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The Noisey Guide to

The Metalhead's Guide to Going on a Cruise

Noisey is here to help all you sweaty, black-clad metalheads pack your bags properly for Motörhead’s Motörboat cruise.

Next week, Noisey editor Kim Kelly will be venturing into unknown waters as a stowaway on Motörhead’s Motörboat cruise to bring us back tales of rum, pirates, and what it's actually like sailing around with a cruise ship full of sunburned metal fans. The ship is swank, the lineup is killer—Slayer, Anthrax, Corrosion of Conformity, Suicidal Tendencies, Exodus, and, obviously, Motörhead will all perform in front of an appreciative captive audience—and the route is Caribbean gold, traipsing between Miami and the Bahamas on a quick four-day excursion.


Obviously, she's terribly excited, but as a lifelong metalhead and our resident office ghoul, Kim is having some trouble figuring out what to pack. The temperature in Miami (to say nothing of Nassau) is far higher than her customary heat-retaining wardrobe of black jeans, black boots, and black T-shirts can handle (she nearly died of heat stroke at least three times this past summer, and our office doesn't even have any windows).

We decided to help her (and the several thousand other Motörboat attendees) by putting together this handy little guide to appropriate cruisewear and sun protection for the paradise-bound hesher.


This one's easy, given how many metal-friendly bathing suit options greet the intrepid internet explorer upon a quick Google search for "metal swimwear." While dudes's options are usually restricted to board shorts, we did stumble across this gem. Flaunt that banana bulge in style with these classic Pantera nut-huggers:

Image via Metalsucks

The ladies are spoiled for choice, thanks to the ready availability of pentagram-emblazoned Ghost bikinis and band-branded one-pieces from DIY designers. Toxic Vision's demonically classic black one-piece is one of our favorites, but how could you resist that Venom suit from Tanza Speed? Your pasty flesh is going to get sunburned to a crisp anyway, so you might as well look good doing it.

Image via Toxic Vision

Image via Tanza Speed



You're not going ascend from the hot tub only to flop down on a deck chair like some animal, are you? Of course not—you're gonna recline majestically on this baby, letting the world know that not only are you sipping rum out of a coconut, you're rockin' with Dokken.

Image via Ebay


We know you spent most of your time locked away in the deepest, darkest recesses of your mom's basement, and that's okay! We worry about your dull, fragile skin, though, so might we suggest that you slather yourself with SPF a billion and grab this flashy Eddie parasol to shield your transparent hide and twirl in appreciation as Slayer launches into "Angel of Death"?

Image via Godspeed Lau


You're not going to be stomping around the ship in Doc Martens, and your sweet Black Sabbath sneakers will be no match for that scorching Caribbean sand. You need flip-flops, and we've found the perfect pair, adorned with the cartoon faces of everyone;s favorite Atlanta prog metal heroes, Mastodon.

Image via Cafe Press


Everyone loves a good theme night, and the Motörboat boasts not one, but four of them. Ordinarily, we'd encourage you to dig out one of your uncle's hilariously hideous old Hawaiian shirts for Heavy Metal Luau Night, but lest we forget where we are, this workshirt also doubles as perfect attire for the final night's Motörhead After Dark theme!

Image via Ebay For those who'd rather soak in the happy island vibes, get an eyeful of this sweet Ramming Speed tank top:


Image via Ramming Speed


The sky-blue waters around Nassau seem pretty calm, but just in case you want to tie your flowing tresses back in a ponytial and catch some waves, we've got just the board for you…

Image via Caspian de Looze


Between official band mercn onboard and the vibrant markets of Nassau, you're probably going to end up spending a shitload of money on cool stuff to bring home with you, and you'll need somewhere to put all those souvenirs.

Image via Heavy Metal Merchant



Image via T-Shirt Slayer

Now that you're all packed and ready, make sure to down a few vitamins and rest up for your big adventure, because you know you're not going to sleep a wink knowing that you and Lemmy are breathing the same air. Bon voyage!