In our hippy-dippy flippity-floppity liberal society, we’re taught to believe that all religions are somehow equal. You know, like how everyone’s just as spiritual as everyone else. Whether it’s Buddha, my man Muhammad or Jesus too, there’s no top dog, it’s all one big party in the sky, yeah? This is obviously lies. It stands to reason that if I set an essay competition between all the major faiths, the winner must be the one that produces the best nugget of profundity, ergo the one that has the greatest connection to the Godhead. This is the scientific approach.
So I did that. I posed as a ponderer, writing off to head offices and branches of major faiths. Among others, on my list were: Catholic, Bahai, Sikh, Quaker, Mormon, Raelian, Hindu, Born Again Christian, Scientologist, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Taoist, Wiccan, and Anglican.
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I told them about the competition, and then set them the following question:
In your own words, and in not more than 200 of those words, please explain the concept of “forever”.
I promised to devote my life to the entity that could furnish me with the best answer. Unfortunately, it turns out that people who work in organised religion are just as incompetent and tardy as real people. After sending more than thirty emails, I had no response from either the Catholics (papal infallibility my ass), nor Anglicans (it’s quite possible they don’t do email in Surrey), Buddhists, Sikhs, Jews or Muslims. Only further to the fringes did something stir.
The Mormons stirred in a fairly dull way:
Dear Kevin,
I am sorry if we don’t follow your request. We are not in a competition. It is a matter of Faith and Knowledge. If you give us your address we will get a copy of the Book of Mormon. Then it will be your choiceto follow the request on page 529 (Chapter 10 Verses 3-7) and inquire from God whether these things are true.
Elder Neu
England London Mission
That’s a FAIL, Elder Neu! You even failed to realise that you ARE in a competition. How can you see eternal truth if you can’t read emails?
The Taoists were quite oriental in their minimalism.
Kevin
We wish you well in your search.
Jim
But with a problem-solving attitude like that, you’d better hope you’re never connected to them in a call centre.
Then I said hello to the Baha’is…
Dear Mr. Kriedemann,
Your email letter to “The Bahá’í Faith” Web site has been received and forwarded to our office.
If you would like to learn about the Bahá’í view on the concept of “forever”, we suggest that you visit the “Bahá’í Topics” Web site at http://info.bahai.org/article-1-4-0-5.html, where you can read articles about the soul and immortality as well as quotations from the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh on the subject. Another way to get information is by talking with Bahá’ís in your area. Should you wish to meet Bahá’ís and discuss your questions in more detail, we have enclosed below the contact information for the Bahá’í National Centre of the United Kingdom, which should be able to assist you to locate Bahá’ís in your area.
We wish you the best.
Yours sincerely,
Office of Public Information
The Quakers denied they were interested in my soul.
Dear Kevin,
Thanks for your email. It’s easily my favourite of all the letters I’ve received in this job – good work!
I should start by making clear that Quakers are not interested in getting your soul! We also don’t see ourselves as being in competition with the other groups you’ve listed. Quakers recognise that there are many ways to God. We aim to be open to new light; from whatever source it may come.
I’d also challenge your underlying assumption. In my experience, the truths of religion are not fundamentally text-based, but the result of personal spiritual experience. Searching for meaning by comparing the writings of different religious groups seems to me as futile as seeking the power of music by reading theory texts. Come to a Quaker meeting (or, indeed, to any of the other religious groups you’ve listed) and experience it for yourself! Quakers are fond of stating that “Christianity is not notion but a way.”
You will notice that I’ve spent very little talking about forever. That’s partly because Quakers don’t have creeds – our unity is based on shared spiritual experience and not on particular beliefs or forms of words. Personally, I think that speculating about ‘forever’ is much less important than the way we live our lives in the here and now.
I hope that was interesting. I’m curious as to how your researches will turn out – do please let me know! If you have any other questions then please be in touch.
In friendship,
Tom
I really liked this guy. Especially when I realised how dull his life is if this was most interesting letter he’d ever received. However, none of that exempts him from dodging the question completely failing to score.
The Australian Raelians tried to get all clever-clever:
Hi Kevin,
Forever is not a concept.
Regards Roy :)
Raelian Guide responsible for teaching.
Well excuse us, Roy, but according to Wikipedia it is. Are you going to argue with Wikipedia? Plus, only shitty gateways to God are marked by emoticons. You loose.
The American Raelians decided to ramble heavily in lurid green font, before opening Roget’s and just fingering a synonym.
Hi Kevin ~ I am forever researching things about life, too. And like you, I feel that the message of a scientific creation of life on earth makes the most sense of all the faiths and theories. Not only does it just make sense, but the Raelian philosophy is a message of love & hope and offers humanity a social, political and humanitiarian [sic] plan to have a paradise on earth, like we deserve. The Elohim said that people are very close to the golden age by using science & robots to free us from work, but that we just lack love among ourselves. That’s why an Embassy is going to be built someday, so that we can invite our creators from the stars to meet with the world presidents and have global planning for peace and fairness.
Anyway, I’m getting close to the 200 words on ‘forever” and I guess that means to same as infinite. Some of the people on the Elohim’s planet were elected to live forever… just as they elected Jesus, Moses, Buddha, Mohammed and the other messengers of the Elohim.
Have you had the opportunity to read Rael’s book yet? Intelligent Design… can be downloaded for free at www.raelianews.org
Sincerely,
Donna Grabow
Volunteer, Hawaii
Listen, Donna, forever may mean the same as “infinite”, but you can’t just equate them and think you’ve answered the question. If I said: “Write me an essay on wainscoting,” and you just said: “Means the same as skirting board,” I’d have to award you nul points.
Net result? Everyone failed. Religion is clearly lies. And I’m probably on some kind of secret Scientologist watchlist from now until the end of my life. So it goes. What a dissapointment
Mere
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