About a month ago, we provided a very helpful/sad roundup of all the ways in which Smashing Pumpkins
frontonlyman Billy Corgan has publicly embarrassed himself over the last decade. We were hoping that spotlighting this fall from grace would be something of an eye-opener for Billy, sort of like that intervention your family had for your uncle Walter. But it seems to have had the opposite effect. Lately, Billy has been doubling down on his eccentric behavior, upping his own eccentricity. In a way, you’ve got to hand it to the guy—he goes further off the deep end by 9 AM than most people do in a lifetime. Here is a brief rundown of all the batshit things he’s done since our last rundown of all the batshit things he’s done.
ANNOUNCING TWO MORE SMASHING PUMPKINS ALBUMS, TENTATIVELY TITLED SOME HIPPIE BULLSHIT AND SOME OTHER HIPPIE BULLSHIT
Proving the age-old statement that two wrongs do not make a right, Billy announced that there would be not one, but two new Smashing Pumpkins* albums headed towards discount bins across the country next year. Billy powered up the Smashing Pumpkins Album Title Generator 5000 and got the results: Monuments To An Elegy and Day For Night. ...Billy. BILLY. Did you know that some musicians don’t publish every single note they’ve ever written? You don’t have to release an 18-part concept album every time you record yourself farting on a phaser pedal.
* Smashing Pumpkins = Billy and some random musicians he found on Craigslist.
DEVELOPING A PRO WRESTLING SHOW FOR AMC
With Breaking Bad now over, AMC must’ve been eager to fill their white-bald-dude-who-is-alienating-himself-from-the-people-who-once-loved-him gap. So naturally, they rang up Billy. Since the most interesting thing he’s got going on since he stopped giving it to Jessica Simpson is that he owns a pro wrestling company, they greenlit a show about it called “Untitled Billy Corgan Wrestling Show,” which sounds like a temporary title since if it was up to Billy, it’d probably be called something like “The Mystical Effigies of Wrestleworld Dreams, Part 4.”
DOING THIS BIZARRE-ASS INTERVIEW FROM THE CUBS’ OPENING DAY
As a native Chicagoan, Billy made an appearance on Chicago’s morning news show, live from Wrigley Field. Billy forgot to bring his baseball glove to the game, but don’t worry, he did remember to bring two shirtless beefcakes and a “Puerto Rican” woman. Honestly, between all the random shit going on in this segment—the dancing bush, the drunk-chanting Cubs fans, and a dude screaming something about drinking water from a glacier with his abs, Billy comes off seeming pretty reasonable in comparison, actually.
THINKING PEOPLE WILL PAY $60 FOR AN EXPERIMENTAL SOLO ALBUM
Because transcendent jams just endlessly pour out of Billy’s brain, in addition to the two Smashing Pumpkins albums, he also announced a solo project he’s found time to work on between sleeping and making a little fort out of stacks of his money called AEGEA. He says the record “has qualities that are both meditative and alien; but not alienating,” which probably means they will be technically listenable; but not preferably listenable. How much for a copy of this work of alien-but-not-alienating work of thanks-but-no-thanks brilliance, you ask? Only $59.95, which is a steal when you consider that it’s way cheaper and more effective than a white noise machine.
PERFORMING MORE SYNTH POEMS AND SHIT AT HIS TEAHOUSE
Hot off the heels of his 8-hour synth interpretation of Siddhartha, Billy expanded his horizons outside your required summer reading list from freshman year of high school and performed “four sonic impressions” of poems by Rumi, again at his Chicago teahouse. Stop by next week for some chamomile and catch Billy doing a 36-hour sitar interpretation of the phone book.
LAUNCHING THIS HIDEOUS SMASHING PUMPKINS WEBSITE FULL OF HIS DAILY RAMBLINGS AND CAT PICTURES
Billy doesn’t seem like the tech-savvy type, as was evidenced by the now-defunct spirituality site he half-assed together in 2009. With all the solo projects and wrestling shows and skullfucking of the Smashing Pumpkins’ corpse he’s been doing over the last five years, it doesn’t look like he’s had much time to brush up on his HTML or Photoshop skills. He launched an official Smashing Pumpkins website, smashingpumpkinsnexus.com, which is an amazing look back at what the internet was like when Smashing Pumpkins were relevant. Go ahead and log your dial-up modems on to America Online and type in the URL if you want to see Billy’s daily disconnect from reality.
WRITING A SPIRITUAL MEMOIR
And yeah, why not throw this on top of the Corgpile. A personal spiritual memoir called God Is Everywhere From Here To There. Sure, why the fuck not. Our teenage years have already been given a deathblow anyway. Might as well poke their corpses with a stick.
Dan Ozzi will probably watch that wrestling show though. Follow him on Twitter - @danozzi