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the worst things of all time

An Ode to the Worst Danish Music Video of All Time

Kristina Djarling's "Babylon is Fallen" is an accidental stroke of evil genius.

In this Brave New World we’re living in, a lot of questionable music videos run amok. There are those we pretend to hate but secretly love, aka pretty much anything featuring Sean Paul in acid-wash jeans. There are music videos that are unforgettable simply because they make absolutely no sense, like legendary masterpiece Eiffel 65's "Blue". Yet these videos don't even compare to the rare gems that are so painfully atrocious, watching them is akin to stabbing little toothpicks in your eyes and digging them in for extra oomph. In a way, then, the special few that inspire those feelings deserve their own moment of recognition. In light of this, we thought we’d remind you of the chaotic shit-storm that is Kristina Djarling’s video for “Babylon is Fallen”.

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Ah, Kristina Djarling. Where do we even begin to describe such a multi-layered and densely fascinating creature? Perhaps a fitting starting point would be that time she called Lady Gaga a modern Satanist, which isn’t all that surprising coming from an active Faderhuset member. However, Kristina didn’t limit herself: she followed up on that casual accusation up by throwing it at Madonna, Kesha and even Beyonce for good measure. Also, one of her favourite activities happens to be standing in front of venues and warning Danish youth against ‘blatant demonic worship.’ Oh, and although she thinks female pop stars are agents of Satan, she’s all for Copenhell. Metal FTW.

Anyway, those fun facts should be enough to give you some sort of idea about the special brand of insanity her brain is capable of conjuring up for a music video. And conjure up it did, for this isn’t your average music video. No, no: the concept for the music video and song came to Kristina IN A HOLY VISION. Apparently after seeing Madonna revive the fiery depths of hell in her Superbowl performance, this is what went through Kristina’s mind, according to the description for the YouTube video:

"I have had a recurring mental image of people rushing down the pit, into destruction. One morning as I awoke, I saw like a mental movie that lasted for about an hour. I saw in details all the shots for the music video. The night before, the melody and lyrics for the song had come to me in a matter of minutes. I knew this was important, and not to be kept to myself."

Annoncering

Deep, Kristina. However, we’re willing to bet that even the most radical squares of your imagination cannot prepare you for the reality of Kristina Djarling’s important creative vision in “Babylon is Fallen”. The video is so deeply confusing, we thought we’d do everyone a favour and break it down, minute by minute.

0:00-1:00:

The first minute of the video makes it clear that enduring the whole thing will not be for the faint of heart. The first sign is the stellar animation, which looks like something your 15 year-old self would schlep together whilst stoned to get a passing grade in art class. Then, we get a super-duper-distressed Kristina in a creepily virginal bedroom, shot in a black & white vignette characteristic of amateur Westerns or perhaps particular strains of low-budget porn. She’s all upset that the world is full of sinners and the like and we get the full extent of her misery soon: Kristina beams like a beacon of dollar-store fluorescent light, floating against some falling stars as she yells about things filled with fornication. Her eyes bug out so hard, it’s as if she’s trying her best to convince you that your suspicions are wrong and she is, in fact, a human with a soul. She also looks a bit coked out, to be honest, but maybe that’s because she sounds like Celine Dion would if she chainsmoked for decades and looked to Chad Kroeger for inspiriation.

1:00-2:00:

Things pick up the pace and Kristina is off on a valiant mission to save the sinners, bouncing through poop-brown and puke-green landscapes on a terribly-animated horse. It’s a shame that the horse actually looks better than Kristina herself who unfortunately suffers due to visual effects that transform her into half-cartoon, half-alien. The song also gets a bit of a stadium rock vibe going here, presumably because Kristina’s all like, “Kids are into loud rock, right? We must get the kids to like us! We must play loud rock, too!” The stadium rock sounds like what screwing with garage band for the first time does, which lets you focus on what’s important: her eyes. Just look at them. Look closely:

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THEY ARE DEAD. THERE IS NO LIFE THERE. Kristina’s large eyeballs communicate nothing but a profoundly sad and lifeless expression—like all the hope in the world has died, there is no turning back, you are now sentenced to a lifetime of being force-fed music videos such as these and the apocalypse is nigh.

Also, what’s with the doctors injecting mysterious substances into people’s arms? Are they on Kristina’s team? Are they agents of the devil? So many questions, so few answers.

2:00-3:00:

Not a lot happens here. Kristina’s still bouncing around on a horse and still yelling at us to repent and doctors continue to inject unexplained substances into people’s arms. Things get slightly more interesting when the ground starts to crack and the cartoon victims start emitting blood-curdling screams, but that’s it. If we’re all going to hell, Kristina, you might as well make it entertaining by now.

3:00-400:

Finally, shit gets serious. There’s fire and brimstone, the ground is splitting, people are falling into the depths of hell and Kristina is the one woman who warned everyone about it. Things get confusing, though, when this ghoulish child thing pops up:

Like, what is it? Is it an innocent child? Is it a demon? Is it a child overtaken by a demon? We don’t know, Kristina! You need to be more straightforward! How are we supposed to take your message to heart if it doesn't actually make sense!

However, this is where we can tell Kristina is really, really serious. Like, people are falling off cliffs and screaming and stuff. There are weird tentacle things pulling people into the ground. Before things get too bleak, though, the song inexplicably takes on a bit of a techno vibe (?!?) and things get cheery again.

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4:00-5:00:

Kristina can’t save the sinners, guys. She’s trying her best, she’s running around like a woman possessed with the intensity of Uma in Kill Bill, but it’s too late. Naturally, sinners have to look pretty extreme, so Kristina chose the most radical figures she could think of: some completely normal looking boys in what look like animated version of t shirts your dad buys at JACK & JONES.

5:00-6:00:

At last, we’ve reached the catharsis of Kristina’s epic tale of sin, death and destruction. In this last minute, the demon RISES and we finally get to see what it looks like. Now, presumably Kristina was going for making something terrifying and Medusa-like, but the result is more like Ursula from The Little Mermaid meets Dragon Ball Z. Naturally, there is a face off between the demon and Kristina and her team of somber white-clad men and we don’t really know what happens other than that the demon floats backwards. Ominous.

So basically, blood has been shed, people have fallen off cliffs, Kristina’s been screaming at us from a horse the whole time and some sea creature woman pretending to be a demon is floating in the sky. According to “Babylon is Fallen”, this is the woeful future we’ll all face if we don’t change our ways right now. So really, Kristina, we owe you for showing us the light and opening our eyes to the bleak fate that awaits us sinners. However, we owe you even more for showing us a music video as mind-numbingly insane as “Babylon is Fallen”.