Looking back through the lineage of famous offspring, Blanket Jackson, Sean Lennon, the baby from the Nevermind cover, and the fat one from the Osbournes, life as a celeb-beb comes pre-bundled with a mediocre gifting of success alongside that amniotic fluid.
If you’re a famous child, it doesn’t matter if you’re shit at everything. Paris Hilton could probably drop some Enoch Powell white label rarities in the middle of one of her DJ sets and people would still love her. Famous children have a verified Twitter tick that comes stapled to their birth certificate, and even if they spend all day tweeting inspirational quotes and Temple Run high scores, it can't be taken away from them.
However as bad as Paris Hilton, Ricky Hill and George Bush Jnr are, no child-star eats shit with a grin like Jaden Smith.
I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. Jaden Smith has been set up for greatness, he comes from a really nice family, and his Dad is everyone’s favourite Dad (second favourite if you count Uncle Phil). Sure Jaden can be a bit of a douche, but so are most tweens, so I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. But this is 2014, enough is enough, and it’s pretty clear that Jaden Smith is pretty fucking disappointing. For a start, he does things like this…
Jaden Smith’s Twitter is sort of like those fake Wiz Khalifa accounts that send out pseudo-motivational “Don’t Let Society Define You. Define Yourself” tweets that only inspire high people to get more high. Instead of sticking to the normal love-yourself mantras of most famous offspring - things like “Always Be Thankful For Everything You Have” - Jaden philosophises like he’s Plato with a snapback and Snapchat.
Didn’t he just say that if we turn Alabama into one giant farm, we could feed 10 billion people or did he just say that if we turn Alabama into one giant farm, we could feed 10 billion people?
Personally, this bewildered me too. I called up Waterstones who said that they “couldn’t provide comment”, so whatever, IDK. Who cares?
I did an AskReddit and the internet responded with “No. Stay in school”, “tl;dr: STAY IN SCHOOL” and “Fuck off, Jaden. You’re drunk”. So…. Yeah.
Trees, which are a prominent feature of the woodland, are known for displaying characteristics of sadness. They’re always “too tired” to go out, when you talk to them they’ve got big vacant eyes and they’ll stand stock still if you try to comfort-hug them, so I can understand why Jaden is confused. But still, FFS.
It’s not just the tweets that make Jaden disappointing. When I was fifteen, all I cared about was who I sat next to in class, what was for dinner, and how to break the parental controls on my parents computer. Or fun stuff, like staying out until 11pm, sitting in a shopping centre, and eating McChicken sandwiches. But Jaden Smith spends his spare time with Kylie Jenner buying crystals.
The pair were “spotted perusing various arcane objects in a spiritually inspired boutique, including a singing bowl and some geometrically odd pieces of precious stone.” Crystal shopping, of course, being the past-time of kooky old men like Spencer Pratt who believe that they “give you power” or some kind of NWO bullshit that I could easily fake and make up on the spot right now and someone would buy the shit out of it just because.
The main thing that annoys me about Jaden Smith, though, is how nauseating he is. Like the time that he appeared on the Graham Norton show…