It’s Christmas in a few days and if, like us, you have a job and enjoy drinking in the evenings, you probably haven’t bought any Christmas presents yet. Buying gifts for people that you only see a handful of times each year can be an expensive and laborious task, especially when they expect you to be cool and original so you can’t just buy them whiskey and Cracker DVDs (men) or perfume and bath bombs from The Body Shop (women).
One solution is to buy super rare trendy xmas presents, like the ones Kanye was selling at his pop-up store in Brooklyn. Your fifteen year-old little brother would probably appreciate being decked out head to toe in some swagerrati threads that really represent the internet-led personality that he’s built out for himself. Unfortunately all that shit is either well out of your price range or sold out months ago.
So in the spirit of Blue Peter and sticky back plastic, we decided to invent our own variations on a budget. It’s our Christmas gift from us, to you.
AN EXTREMELY RARE BOX LOGO HAT
This Supreme cap was sold for the same amount of money as a 2 bedroom-semi in Blandford. I don’t know about anyone else, but that seems like a lot of money to spend on a garment thats only essential function is to provide a cloth tarpaulin between you and bird shit. Apparently it was so expensive because Kanye once wore something similar, but not really, because his was a jacket. Well done capitalism. Here’s one that cost us a fiver.
First, gather your ingredients. If you’ve never had psoriasis and are therefore unfamiliar with Sudocrem, then you can find it in your nearest pharmacy.
Sudocrem exists in the same graphic design spectrum as the Supreme logo, which makes it a perfect choice for sticking onto An Extremely Rare Box Logo Cap. Remove the label and stick it on your hat using superglue, which is a great product to use on porous material that is going to be applied directly to your head.
Next, jazz the hat up with some sort of product that will give it a woodland pattern. We used Twiglets, but any kind of stickable product will do. Start sticking the Twiglets on to the hat using both sellotape and superglue so that the glue soaks into the fabric and works like a solvent abuse Glade plug-in for the room.
If you get hungry, then you can eat some of the Twiglets.
As an optional extra that will really represent how much of a dickhead you are, dribble some Twiglet juice on to the cap. This will stain it and tell people that you really do not give a fuck.
I don’t know about you, but IMO this looks GREAT.
Finally, for maximum swagged-the-fuck-out points, put some kitchen towel underneath the hat. This will keep your nape from getting sunburnt in the summer and also stop the superglued cap from keeping your hair forever and ever.
ALL ILLUMINATI EVERYTHING YEEZUS T-SHIRT
Hey, I don’t know if any of you have heard, but Kanye West is involved in fashion. He’s been making a bunch of t-shirts, but they cost a lot of money and because you’re poor and have no money, you can’t afford them.
Instead, get a 50 kr black T-shirt from your local market. It may not be ethically sourced but neither is life.
Cut the sleeves off to help accentuate the biceps you’ve birthed after doing 20 reps with the Sudocrem pot. If your arms don’t look like an edamame pod then you ain’t doing it right.
Stick on any kind of plastic skull or shrunken head you have to hand with more sellotape. To fashion the native American head dress, glue some overpriced feathers from your nearest art shop. If you live in the country and have access to birds that haven’t dissolved their feet in a footbath of their own excrement, you can probably save money by taking some feathers from a pheasant with a slow reaction time.
Next, write the word Yeezus in Tipp-Ex. If you’re not allowed access to Tipp-Ex because your family is already nervous about your proclivity for Poundshop superglue, use some Sudocrem. It works for EVERYTHING - chilblains, bed sores, dermatitis and typography.
It’s probably worth doing a test in case you can’t fit the word onto the shirt. But then again, I suppose creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Sellotape on some spaghetti for textural variety for any older relatives with impaired vision.
Finally, prance about in the Yeezus shirt.
Work it! Make it! Do it! Makes us harder, better, faster, stronger!
BONUS: Fashion yourself a Yeezus balaclava out of your stocking and act like you’re the baddest motherfucker to ever get emotional over fonts.
E-NUMBER FUELLED IDGAF T-SHIRT
Odd Future’s t-shirts are really popular right now and you can make your own look-alike in literally five minutes.
First, forage any drinks you can find that have the same primary ingredients as glow sticks or epipens and empty them into tupperwares.
If you want to remember how it feels to be high purely off drinks that cost 20p, then have a drink.
Using makeshift tourniquets made out of elastic bands, tie up different sections and soak the shirt in the different coloured panda pops. This step should look like the tampon adverts they show on Sky Living.
When this is done, use either a hairdryer or the Dyson Airblade in your office to dry the garment and as an added freebie, coat the bathroom in a fine sticky mist which will also serve to debilitate any stray daddy long legs.
After this hasn’t worked at all, put the sopping garment on, feel like you’ve been laminated and get a nice rash.
Next, stick a doughnut in the region of your areola. This will intensify the smell of attention deficit disorder and E-Numbers that should be entering you via osmosis. This will prove a blessing on boxing day, when you’re flatulently watching Enchanted and sick burping on cousins.
Lastly, add a tie-dye swimming cap. This will ensure that you are streamlined in the January sales and will also help you look like you have the bone structure of a thumb. A hip thumb, though.
Swag me the fuck out!
Follow Ryan on Twitter: @RyanBassil
Follow Josie on Twitter: @JosieRaeT
All Photos by William Coutts: www.williamcoutts.com
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