Have you ever wanted to have dinner with the sons of former Van Halen singer Sammy Hagar? Of course you have. Would you be excited to know that the son of the guitarist from Journey could join you at this dinner? You're probably hyperventilating at the thought. What if I told you that the son of a man who once played bass for Van Morrison would also be in attendance? You’d slap me in the face and tell me to stop dreaming.
Well, friend, dream no more because you can dine with all these people, plus a man who “teaches music at Fresno State full-time”. All you have to do is pay $2500 for this unique pleasure because the sons of these multi-millionaire musicians have formed a band called Fightclub and opened an Indiegogo page to fund their debut album. How much are they asking for? $103,000. Bargain!
The band is fronted by Aaron Hagar, the son of Halen's “red rocker” Sammy Hagar who, according to the trustworthy site Celebrity Net Worth, has a personal fortune of $120 million. Given that he sold his Tequila brand Cabo Wabo for $95 million this seems pretty legitimate. So why does his son, who is in his early forties, need any money for an album? And why the fuck does he need over $100k? Doesn’t he know that Steve Albini will do any old crap for a few grand? In search of answers I perused the Indiegogo site. Here’s what I found:
Fightclub are embarking on a “historical journey in the music industry”
“I have formed a band of ‘son’s of rock’ [sic] of legendary greats”, says Aaron. Apparently this is a "concept" that has “never been fulfilled by anyone” Aaron knows of. It is, furthermore, a "concept" that will “break new ground in a highly competitive music industry.” These fully grown men are hoping to carry on the "torch" of rock music “on behalf of their families.” It’s Game of Thrones meets School of Rock.
Fightclub Want To Do It On Their Own
They’re keen to tell us that they don’t share in the rock‘n’roll lifestyle of their parents. Have they all been disowned for being such awful disappointments? Of course not, they just want to "earn their stripes", just like their parents did. So just like their parents, they’re asking their rich friends for over $100,000. That’s the modern day equivalent of playing dive bars in New Jersey for 15 years straight, right?
Fightclub Has Quite The Sense Of Humour:
Guess what, “the first rule of Fightclub… TALK ABOUT FIGHTCLUB!” Guyz, that’s just like the film except the opposite. You are so funny. And you know what the best thing about making a joke that good is? Repeating it! Which they do. They’ve also got some "stories to tell". Stories you’ll get to hear if you cough up $2500 to have dinner with them or, if you’re really sensible, $5000 to have dinner AND spend a day in the studio with them. Here’s what you get for your 5 grand:
Imagine those conversations! You'll probably discover what the second rule of Fight Club is!
Fightclub’s Music Is Almost Too Generic
The oppressive mediocrity of Fightclub’s music makes it hard to write about it because you forget about it while you are actually listening to it. Most of the lyrics sound like they’ve been written by a machine that generates 80s cock rock clichés. So it’s all “My baby gives good loving”, “everyone has been struck by lightning” and the slightly weirder “your body’s looking like a sinking stone”. There’s one song in which I’m pretty sure Aaron Hagar sings about a woman who’s “double Ds” are “leaking”. Of course there’s also a ballad and of course it talks about the “blue sky above”. The only thing that shines through is the desperate, time-to-spend-thirty-years-in-therapy attempt to accurately replicate the music of their fathers. This means that what you hear sounds like the work of competent 80s stadium rock robots that’ve been given the sheet music to a bunch of Van Halen and Journey off-cuts.
Fightclub have no idea what anything is worth
In an era in which bands give whole EPs away for free, these sons of the rich and famous (and the guy who “teaches music at Fresno State full-time”) think that getting you to pay $25 for two songs (“get ready to be blown away!”) is good value. Double that and you’ll also get a digital postcard! (“we are determined to make you smile”). $100 gets a “tasteful thank you on your Facebook page”. OMG can you imagine, Aaron from Fightclub wrote on my wall!?!?!
I won’t go through the rest of the deals for you, sufficed to say that if you want any of the crap they’re offering, you have to pay an additional charge for postage and packaging.
Fightclub are absurdly Californian
Here are the jobs they have:
- Owner of a hot rod and classic car shop
- Trainer in MMA (??) in the style of Muay Thai
- Music teacher
- Redken master specialist at Moxie Hair Studio (I don’t know what 90% of that means)
If they don’t think the Viper Room is the coolest bar in the world then I’ll go to the Moxie Hair Studio for a Redken special.
Crowd funding isn’t always bad. There are niche projects out there that are worth throwing a couple of quid at (I am, of course, talking about my French-language Bon Jovi covers album.) But for every "Je Suis Bon Jovi, tu es le monde" there are fifty Fightclubs, people entirely undeserving of your cash who think crowdsourcing is a legitimate way for rich people to beg. So, Sammy Hagar, do us all a favour and give your grown up men children 100 grand for their historical concept, OK?
Follow Oscar on Twitter @oscarrickettnow