Your Birthday Party Will Never Be as Good as Stormzy’s Birthday Party

What did you do for your last birthday? Have a few tinnies in the park while your girlfriend played “Re-Rewind” on her portable iPod speakers until you got kicked out at 11pm? Queued up for two hours outside the only establishment in your one club town until you got too drunk, sicked all your lunch down someone’s neck, cried and went home? Karaoke at Rowans, was it? Alone at home with some cheap red wine and some Celine Dion deep cuts? Whatever it was, let’s face it: it was nowhere near the level of Stormzy’s birthday party at Thorpe Park yesterday, which was the kind of party you write about at primary school when your teacher asks you what you’d do if you won the lottery and money become no object.

For those who don’t already know the story, Stormzy hired out the park for himself, a bunch of fans, and a load of his friends. Adidas provided shitloads of merch, Nandos cooked up an endless supply of merky burgers, and a bunch of artists (including Stormzy) performed. Oh, and his cake was the size of a small Greek island. Obviously it was very, very lit. And because of that extreme level of heat, the entire thing was plastered over social media, which we’re going to present to you right now:

Last night was maddd @Stormzy1#stormzybirthdaybash pic.twitter.com/qqz9YnRzaO

July 27, 2016