The Kind of Porn That Texts You After

Illustrations by Joel Benjamin

Sometimes when I watch porn, I believe that the dude is in love with the woman. This happens when the movie features an eye-gazing, mouth kissing, pussy-eating bro, like James Deen, who is so attentive and sensual as to seem obsessed. It makes me sad, then, when I see James show the same level of devotion to hundreds of other women in other vids. I’m like, Wait! Stay obsessed with the first one. I was pretending she was me.

The other day I was browsing Pornhub, preparing to masturbate, when I found a scene where James fucks his “girlfriend’s mom.” Through the tabs, I discovered that the female lead is Melissa Monet, who also stars in a lost favorite of mine: Milf Melissa and Her Hot Teen Daughter Missy Share Cock. (Those links are very NSFW, obvs.)

Milf Melissa and Her Hot Teen Daughter Missy Share Cock is a movie I used to masturbate to on the reg. I loved this movie, because I have mommy issues and Melissa Monet plays the ultimate hot nurturer: patient, generous, kind. Also, she is Jewish like me, so in my fantasies she could actually be my mother.

When I masturbate to porn, I don’t just masturbate to porn. I have a very tangential mind that asks a lot of questions, which is probably why it takes me, like, three years to have an orgasm. I was able to track down Melissa Monet and ask her some of my questions about emotional attachment, vulnerability, and what love even is.

So Sad Today: The scene you did with James Deen was so beautiful. Like, all that kissing and eye-gazing. Did you feel any sadness or emotional attachment after it was over? And, if not you, do you think the character you were playing would feel any emotional attachment after? The next time she sees him with her daughter will she be jealous or feel a pang of longing? Do you think she will want him to text her? Or was it just completely, purely physical for her and a one time thing?
Melissa Monet: There was a big backstory to my scene with James Deen. As I have different roles behind the scenes, a lot of the actors and actresses didn’t know that I was also a performer. I was technically not in front of the camera for 12 years, so up until that point, James only knew me as a producer. It was strange, even awkward for me, which he seemed to revel in. Thinking back, it created a sexual tension and anticipation not often seen in this type of situation. The scene itself was very personal—he whispered to me, called me by my real name, and cared more about my pleasure than about the scene. I didn’t feel any emotional attachment or sadness afterwards. Perhaps in my younger days I might have, but definitely not at the time.

As for my character, I would think she would have felt a deep emotional attachment. She cheated on her husband and betrayed her daughter, both of whom she was supposed to have loved. There should be deep regret and an attachment to the person you are throwing all that away for. I don’t know about the jealousy part. I think maybe a little, but with guilt thrown in. Her need is to be with a younger man who finds her desirable, a man who excites her and brings her to orgasm in a fury that she no longer experiences with her husband. She would want him to text her, call her, and pursue her in any way possible just because her ego would require it.

In my fantasies, James’s character would become emotionally attached to your character as well. But in reality, it seems likely that she would ultimately—if not quickly—have her heart broken. The track record for older women and much younger men isn’t great in terms of lasting love.

How am I to differentiate between love and lust in my own life, and in my own heart, when great works of art and great works of female-friendly porn inspire me to want a lasting love with the intensity of a short-lived scene? It sounds like it is possible—as a woman—to experience profound sex with another person in ways that are deeply intimate, whispery, first name-calling, without becoming emotionally attached. I’m wondering what age has changed for you.
Are there statistics on older women/younger men relationships? How do you know it doesn’t always pan out? From what I know (I don’t date younger men), most of the women feel insecure… others prefer that the guy not be younger than their children (for obvious reasons). I think it’s too complicated to actually have a theory about it. I always wonder what we would talk about… our music tastes are probably different, school and timeline experiences, etc.

I think a lot of people have a hard time distinguishing between love and lust/possession/desire. Love plays in all of those things and vice versa, not always in a sexual way, but everyone wants something out of it, even if it’s just love… though that is never enough, is it?

I can’t speak for everyone, but when you have that lust/passion/love triangle and also manage to like and be compatible with that person, it’s pretty spectacular. How realistic is it? Hard to say. When you’re in the middle of the peak of the relationship, it’s all rosy and the beginning should be intense and amazing, but somewhere at the drop (and they all drop) disappointment sets in and then disillusionment. How long and when depends on the individuals and how hard they latch on to that one portion of the relationship where it was phenomenal.

Sex without emotional attachment is relative. Who’s to say there isn’t an emotional attachment all the time? It might be very short lived or perhaps fizzle out with a word or action that gets in your craw and snaps you back to reality. Women who can have sex this way usually pick a pet peeve and give themselves an excuse to kick the person to the curb.

I don’t have any statistics about older women and younger men, other than what I’ve experienced in my own life and amongst my friends. In a lot of these situations, it seems like the women don’t even necessarily want to be in a committed relationship with the men. A relationship would probably be a disaster. But we want the assurance that we could have a committed relationship if we wanted it.

I think that the desire to be irresistible is one of the top turn-ons for many women—regardless of our age or the age of our sexual partners. In the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships (one of my favorites) the authors talk about the idea of the “magic hoo-hoo” and its prevalence in romance novels, wherein the male hero gets “one taste” of the heroine’s vagina and he becomes emotionally, and physically, hooked on her. Perhaps this is part of James’s popularity as a performer amongst women. He looks hooked.

I’ve also read that cis women release the bonding hormone, oxytocin, when we have an orgasm, whereas cis men do not (though I’ve certainly gotten attached to people with whom I’ve faked orgasms or had no orgasms). There have been so many times that I’ve gone into a sexual situation with the intent that I am not going to get attached, but if the sex was good—or the person was hot and just a good kisser—I got attached. I feel like my chemistry betrays me! Have you ever gotten emotionally attached to one of your co-stars? Or have you seen it happen when you were in directing or producing roles?
I personally have not and I have a fairly strict policy of not shitting where I eat as far as talent goes. I did it once with a male performer (the very first week I came into the biz… great guy and great fun) and once with a female performer (within the first year of being in the biz… psycho and not fun). I have seen it a couple of times within the performers, but it really runs the gamut and some people just wear their hearts on their sleeves.

I want to say that one thing I love about you as an actress is that your orgasms seem real to me. I like that you close your eyes and look lost in your own world. I can’t have an orgasm without closing my eyes and going into my own little world, so when that’s mirrored to me as an “OK” thing to do—to dissociate a little, even with a partner—it makes me feel better about myself.

Often, when I watch straight porn, the actresses present themselves as so easily orgasmic, whereas it takes me, like, at least 30 minutes of sustained cunnilingus and/or me touching myself or using my vibrator to have an orgasm with another person. Are your orgasms onscreen real or fake? Do you have trouble letting go? Or are you super orgasmic in real life?
Thank you! I don’t fake my orgasms, but I don’t have to, I can literally come at the drop of a hat. Even if I get distracted, it might delay it, but it doesn’t change much.

I am so jeal. I wonder if the ease with which one comes has anything to do with self-esteem. Like, feeling worthy of receiving pleasure. It seems like you have a lot of confidence. I feel like it takes a lot of confidence to be in the seductress role, as you are in Milf Melissa and Her Hot Teen Daughter Missy Share Cock. One might think that Missy is ostensibly more vulnerable, because she is younger and less experienced. Yet to me, the role of the seductress is more vulnerable, because I fear rejection. Obviously, in porn, no one gets rejected. But can you talk about what it’s like to play the role of an older pursuer and instigator, rather than the pursued.
For me it’s not about confidence… if that was the case I would not come as easily. It’s really about physiology. My nerve endings are extremely close to the surface so I don’t need a lot of stimulation, nor do I need hard or heavy stimulation. I can’t use a Hitachi or play on a Symbian for more than a few seconds, it’s a waste for me and takes away the build up of my pleasure. With every great thing comes a curse… LOL.

I think you are confusing confidence with too many variables. A lot of seductresses are extremely insecure. They use the seductive trait as a way to distract themselves from their shyness or insecurities. I may be a totally different animal, as I just go and try not to think. If I did I may not have the confidence to be with anyone.

While you would think porn doesn’t have rejection, it most certainly does. I have faced it twice, both with loser performers. One was high and tried to use me as his scapegoat as to why he couldn’t get hard. It was unfortunate for him that I had performed with the director many times when he was talent and he loved fucking me. The other was when I first came back after a 12-year hiatus. Some newer loser said he couldn’t get hard because I was too old and gross. I heard him behind my back say all kinds of asshole shit. I refused to finish the scene and walked out. I almost didn’t perform again because of it, but the next scene was the one with James Deen.

Yes, you’re right. I think seduction can definitely be used to cover up insecurities in other areas. I’ve definitely sent some of my filthiest sexts when I felt the most needy. Like, if a bro isn’t texting back, I know I can get him to text me back if I hit him with the nudes or the hot sexts. But then where does that get me? It only recently dawned on me that using sex to get attention just means that dudes want sex. Like, it isn’t that hard to get that kind of attention. I think I used to get way more validation out of it, particularly if the dude was a lot younger, because I saw it as an “I’ve still got it” thing. Now I’m kind of like, “Got what? He’d probably fuck anybody.”

What I meant by no rejection in porn is that the viewer never sees it. But those experiences sound painful. But speaking of the inability to get it up, I have one last question from a guy friend. I told him it’s a dumb question, but he’s like “When are you going to have this resource again?” He wants to know how the dudes in porn stay hard for so long without coming? (Of course he does.)
How the guys stay hard runs the gamut… some are just naturals, some are automatons, some take a lot of time or breaks, some don’t do so well under pressure or only do well under certain circumstances, and some use medical help (Viagra and the like). It depends on so many things. And most of the guys don’t last as long as it seems, there is something called “movie magic,” you only see what we want you to see.

Melissa Monet is a porn star, writer, director, and producer, among many other things. She loves animals, sci-fi, and the New York Rangers.

So Sad Today is a never-ending existential crisis played out in 140 characters or less. Its anonymous author has struggled with consciousness since long before the creation of the Twitter feed in 2012, and has finally decided the time has come to project her anxieties on a larger screen, in the form of a biweekly column on this website.