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Tech

The Lamest Video Game Characters of All Time

They make me feel like doing something terrible, like not playing video games for a while.

I love computer games, but it's a well-known fact that they're all made by socially retarded shut-ins who have never spoken to a real person in their entire life (and are probably all virgins and still live in their mum's basement and a bunch of other stuff I learned about nerds from TV). So it's no surprise that some of the people they invent are really really fucking lame. Here, in no particular order, are the crappiest video game characters in video game history:

Annoncering

ASHLEY - RESIDENT EVIL 4

If there were some way to personify feminism, Ashley Graham would be the exact opposite of that person. In Resident Evil 5, the protagnist Chris's support character is Sheva, a bad bitch who can use an explosive crossbow and heal you. Which makes it even more annoying that, in RE4, you're stuck with Ashley, whose natural response to danger is to shout "Help me, Leon!" while machine gun wielding zombies with scorpions for heads decapitate you both. She's so lame that she can't even really walk on her own, so you have to piggy-back her around and then set her back down any time you need to kill something. In fact, the most useful thing Ashley does in the entire game is get the fuck out of the way by hiding in a bin.

Also, she dresses like Carmen Electra and has boobs that are waaaay too big for a girl that isn't even able to walk independently. Which creeps me out a bit.

KORCHA - CHRONO CROSS

You spend Chrono Cross travelling through two dimensions populated with the same characters. Generally, if somebody is a miserable dick-brain in one dimension, they'll be really nice in the other dimension, but not Korcha. He's a dick no matter what dimension you're in. And he also tries to steal the girl that's obviously into you right from the beginning. (BTW, she's way out of your league, Korcha.)

Luckily you can eventually choose to piss him off, and he's like "You can't use my boat any more!" and then his mum comes and makes him look like a douche in front of everybody, replaces him in your party and you never need to see his cunty little face again. Oh, and he also speaks like a Pussy Cat Dolls song.

Annoncering

LEIXIA - SOUL CALIBUR V

I once saw an episode of Hoarders where the hoardee had some weird mental aversion to confrontation, and whenever she was asked about the piles of broken dolls and old Happy Meal toys that were threatening the structural integrity of her house, she'd just get all super nice and smiley and talk about the weather. It was really creepy and unnerving. Leixia seems to have whatever that personality disorder is. NAVI - THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME

From the instant you're introduced to Navi, when she wakes you (ie Link) up by screaming "HEY! WAKE UP! HEY HEY! WAKE UP WAKE UP! HEY!", it's pretty clear that the two of you are never going to be friends. I can't think of a shittier possible first impression you could make on someone who you're going to spend, like, 40-plus hours getting confused in dungeons with.

Even now when I think of her, I got that anxious body-clench feeling you get when you hear a song you've been using as your morning alarm come on the radio. Eugh.

WHEATLEY - PORTAL 2

Not really anything to do with the game or the character (though he is a giant dick). I just really, really fucking hate Stephen Merchant.

SETH - STREET FIGHTER IV

Apparently Seth is named after Capcom's Senior Manager, Seth Killian. Wow, what an honour to have the worst thing about the game you helped make named after you. There's no way of saying this without sounding like a dick, but I'm pretty good at Street Fighter. And I have never managed to beat Seth on any difficulty besides 'easy'. His moves list is made up of all of the other characters' strongest moves, which I guess is sort of cool, except Seth has no problem doing 20 sonic booms in a row. And when you're just trying to beat him once using somebody shitty like C. Viper just so you can unlock Cammy, controllers are gonna get smashed.

Annoncering

Even his character design is crap. A big, naked blue man with a Yin-Yang as his core. Seriously? Who designed that, Lenny Kravitz?

LYDIA - THE ELDER SCROLLS V: SKYRIM

Lydia's job as housecarl (or 'body guard', in outdoor-speak) is to swear to protect you and carry whatever you don't have enough stamina to carry. When you first talk to her, she seems pretty enthused about it. "It is my great honour to serve you as housecarl, my thane," she'll say. And you're like, "OK, great – come on Lydia! Let's go do some dungeon crawling!"

But the niceness ends there. Any time you ask Lydia to do something for you, she's a total dick about it. "Ugh… I am sworn to carry your burdens…" And I feel like: What the fuck, Lydia? Are you really honoured to serve as my housecarl? Because you know Jarl Balgruuf the Greater of Whiterun assigned you to me, so I didn't pick you and I'm sure there are plenty of other proud, Nordic lasses who would be delighted to be my housecarl. Fuck you and your pubescent grunting.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG - ABOUT A BILLION SONIC GAMES

I tried playing Sonic Colors a while back, and managed to get through about ten minutes of Sonic yelping shit like: "totez gnarly brosephino" before I had to turn it off. How has he been around this long? And who the fuck writes his dialogue? My mum?

JENNY McCARTHY - YOUR SHAPE (FEATURING JENNY McCARTHY)

Full discolsure: I've never played Your Shape (featuring Jenny McCarthy) but I think it's safe to say that she is definitely the worst video game character of all time. And also probably the least attractive. And also the only video game character in history to have contributed to a rise in deaths by treatable illnesses and gotten paid actual money to do things like this.