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Power Moves by Karl Welzein

How to Rock It for the Supes' Celebraish

It's almost time for the 'bowl 2013. Let’s roll, you guys.

‘Sup Guys. Name’s Karl Welzein. I’m pretty much the #1 partier in the Flint Area, keepin’ it chillin’ in Grand Blanc, MI.

If you’re not some piece of trash, you like to keep it rockin’ for the Supes'. It’s pretty much the biggest celebraish of the year for the USA. If you’re not into it? Man, you should just hit the bricks to China. No one’ll care, corncob. No one.

Last year was so off the chain. I made my Captain Karl’s Pizza Dip (special recipe). It’s kind of a tradish. Kicked up with bold flavours, you don’t have to be a dirty guido sailor to let it score a touchdown with friends in the endzone of the Seven Seas:


·      1 package of cream cheese. The box kind. Make sure to get the Philly brand though. No need to be a cheapskate like a nobody who buys store brand. Store brand crap for a celebraish just says, “I couldn’t give a hot brown buttload squirt if you came over”.

·      Plenty of ‘roni. Just figure it out. It’s ‘roni. If you think you bought too much, just leave it out for snackin’ or save it in the fridge. I hide mine in the back so my roommate Dave don’t find it. He’d just hog it all down then pretend like I got bombed and forgot I shovelled it in. Idiot.

·      Chopped sweet onion. Or not. Who knows?

·      2 fine diced garlic cloves. Really kicks up the bold flavors.

·      1 jar of pizza sauce. Make sure you get the ‘za kind, not Prego for ‘sghetti or some crap. Big diff.

·      2 cups of shredded mozz.

·      Sliced black & green olives, ‘za style.

·      Browned crumblins’ o’ spicy Italian sausage.

·      Chopped green pepps. Or red. Or both. ‘Shrooms, too. (Not drug kind though if you’re some stupid dirty hippie who just thinks all your grub needs to have dope in it.)

·      Layer all that crap in a Pyrex. I add in a bunch of Frank’s and top it with parm and a bunch of packs of shakey pepps that were lefties from ‘Za delivery.  Bake it at 375F or until it’s all done. Don’t be stupid, you can tell. Serve with Fritos Scoops (or pita chips if you wanna be some show off and disappoint people). Top with ranch or sour cream to make it supreme unless you’re “watchin’ your bod” on a holiday like somebody nobody likes.


Anyway, last year, everything was outta bounds with bold flavors. Then my ex wife Ann tried to make a power move by callin’ me to say she was filin’ for divorce. Wives always try to ruin’ crap for their own sick satisfaction. But it just made the celebraish even better knowin’ I was single and ready to mingle. Ha! Had such a blast with Dave and Peanut. Peanut showed up dead in my car about a month later, so it was extra worth it to spend some special time together. Can’t waste the Supes’ Celebraish with your fam. No tellin’ when you’ll find a pal cold and stiff in your ride. Gotta take advantage of makin’ memories to last a lifetime if one of you kicks off early, you guys. (Peanut, R.I.P.)

This year’s Supes’ Celebraish has to be even more off the chain. Gotta go bonkers like never before, USA style.


1. Invite as many babes as poss-ee-blay. Make sure to add in some grossouts so the top shelf ones’ll know you’re sensitive and not just out to get busy (wink). Plus, any real macho man on the prowl makes a mistake from time to time. Ran into this one babe with mega buttcheeks at the grocery store a few ticks back. Ended up havin’ casual “hot dog” carnal passions. Just peener ‘n buns. It was chill, but I’m tryin’ to keep it hush-hush. Guy code.

2. Turn the sound off during that Beyonce halftime action; just keep the picture loud and clear. Maybes crank up some Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Man while you’re peepin’ that righteous caramel caboose, piled high with all the toppings.


3.  Don’t spend it with your fam. They’re only good for ruinin’ holidays like Christmas. Such a snooze.

4. Make sure to stock up on D’Reets (at least three flaves), re’glar chips ‘n dip (Dean’s F.O.), back up ‘za (supreme), maybes a bunch of The Bell if you can get some idiot to go for it midgame in an “I buy, you fly, capacity” Li’l Smokies in the Crock, Chili Cheese dip, brats for grillin’, pizza rolls, also, plenty of other snacks as well. The works. Full spread.

5. Multiple fresh boozes including Gatorpagne for the AM (half Gatorade, half champagne, ‘cause hydration don’t need a reason to celebrate), plento of cold ones (high end like Sam Adams for VIPs and dirty 30s of Busch for pieces of garbage like my pal Crazy Cooter. Don’t know if Coot can make it this year. Had a small stroke when he was tuggin’ his peener to a Cherry mag in my john last week. Kinda concerning), Crown & Diet, Beam for shots & mixin’ with Vernor’s, a batch of my Captain Carlos’ Top Shelf Margs Especial bein’ made at ALL times in the blender, and big pitchers of my famous Bloody Karl’s (such bold flavors). Just make sure you got enough. If you run out of boozes? Man. Good luck ever havin’ pals who won’t spit in your face every time they see you on the streets, you guys.

6. Don’t go into work on Monday. Best to just take it easy with a few domestos and a supreme ‘za. Any job that thinks you should come in can “Suck it” DX style. Just call in with a heavy case of nasty ‘rrhea. If you do the celebraish right, you won’t even be fakin’.


Supes’ Celebraish, 2013. Let’s roll, you guys.

United We Rock,

Karl Welzein

Follow Karl on Twitter @DadBoner

POWER MOVES: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein is now available for pre-sale from HarperCollins’ It Books.

Previously: How Not to Get Burned by Fake Computer Babes Like that Manti Te'o Weirdo