A LEFT-WING JOURNALIST HAPPENED UPON A HELLMOUTH
If you didn't know already, Laurie Penny is a stridently left-wing "writer, journalist, feminist, reprobate working mainly for the New Statesman."
Laurie went to the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York this weekend, where she found out that the world is a terrible place.
Here are a selection of the tweets she wrote while at the big festival of confusion, when she wasn't meeting boys "with dreads and tiedye scarves sitting on a skateboard next to a sign asking for 'donations for adopting puppies."
There's no doubting that the targets of Occupy Wall Street are worthy ones. But why do things like this always attract the worst people in the world?
Some other stuff happened this weekend. Wanna find out what it was? Go to page two.
THE TORIES EXHIBITED THE COMPASSION OF GODS
Conservative chancellor George Osborne will be suddenly overcome with empathy later today, and pledge to spend £800m of government money making sure you don't have to spend any more of your own on council tax next year.
The small-eyed man will make the announcement at the Conservative Party Conference. He aims to convince the public that he cares about their cost of living.
This is important, because an increasing number of them cannot afford to buy their own food.
Apparently the money for the tax freeze exists because of government under-spending, and the measure will save the average family £72 a year, or £6 a month, or £1.38 per week.
AMANDA KNOX "DID NOT KILL" ANYONE
Sexy Amanda Knox has told an appeals courtroom in Perugia that she had no part in the 2007 murder of UK student Meredith Kercher.
"I did not kill, I did not rape, I did not steal. I was not there," she said, speaking, as the BBC notes, in fluent Italian.
"I am not who they say I am. The perversion, the violence, the lack of respect for life – I did not do the things they are saying I did."
Knox was jailed for 26 years in 2009 for the murder of Kercher. I guess if she ever gets out, at least she'll be able to order "pollo alla cacciatora" in an Italian restaurant without any fear of embarrassment.
WHEN SHE GETS OUT AND I TAKE HER TO ONE.
A PLANE CRASHED INTO A FERRIS WHEEL
It can't often be said that interesting things happen on Ferris wheels – indeed, this is only their second appearance in the Hangover News this year, that pitiful tally paling in comparison to things like politics, stupid people and the Arab Spring.
Nevertheless, their mention this week is warranted, after a plane crashed into a Ferris wheel in Australia and somehow everyone involved survived – providing yet more ammunition for the people who think 9/11 was a controlled demolition job carried out by the authorities with the use of flying jetplane holograms.
The Cheetah S200 was carrying two men when it collided with the top of the ride's frame at some Australian town 200 miles north of Sydney.
The wheel had just unloaded a bunch of kids, and the only two left on the ride were upset but unhurt.
The pilot didn't see the wheel which makes him an idiot, but I guess it must be said that it's maybe not a good idea to let someone fly a plane near a Ferris wheel in the first place.