As much as it pains me to type these words. As much as I would sooner fling myself into a skip doused in gasoline carrying an open flame than admit what I am about to admit. I think, guys, that FOX News may actually be right about something. I know, I know. But, before you start googling the address of the office to send bags of shit and Tom Odell CDs, hear me out.
FOX News presenter Greg Gutfelt—a man famous for having Objectively Bad opinions, such as "a gun does more for empowering women than feminism ever could" and "progressives, in a way, are like Doritos"—has taken a massive word dump on the legacy of Red Hot Chili Peppers. During a segment titled "Greg's Musical News"—which really should not exist and yet here we are—Gutfelt reported on Koko the gorilla joining RHCP bassist Flea for a jam sesh earlier this week. According to the refined ears of Greg Gutfelt, Koko having a go on the bass (which, with all due respect to Koko, who is smarter than most FOX News presenters, sounds fucking terrible) is a "vast improvement over the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the worst band on the planet." Then he did some ageist jokes before delivering a final blow in the form of "Red Hot Chili Peppers: poor man's Faith No More, don't ever forget it."
Listen, RHCP had a good run. An amazing run, actually. Everything released between the years 1984 and 2002 is a largely undisputed jam (except for this moment, wherein John Frusciante, the greatest former Chili Pepper, fist pumps in a bin). But then again, their current live show is a cringe-worthy mess of kick jumps and self-indulgence, Flea performed The Star Spangled Banner as a bass solo, TWICE, and it sounded like farts, this artwork happened, and, seriously, what the hell does "Can't stop the spirits when they need you / Mop tops are happy when they feed you / J. Butterfly is in the treetop / Birds that blow the meaning into bebop" mean anyway!? Maybe it's about time someone declared them the worst.