Illustration by Kat Aileen
There’s a line on Chance the Rapper’s new album, Coloring Book, that goes: “Ain’t no Twitter in heaven.”
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This got us thinking. How does Chance know there is no Twitter in Heaven? How can anyone be so sure about the existence of social media in the afterlife? With all due respect to Chance, we choose to believe that Twitter does exist in heaven. Please respect our religious views.
Then we started imagining Heaven’s Twitter, and how different it must be than the Twitter we use here on Earth. So in case you fear the uncertainty of the great beyond, have no fear. The Twitter in Heaven is an wonderful place. Here’s what it’s like up there…
- All of your tweets get triple-digit RTs. Like, even the jokes you make about your sandwich where you’re like, “Eh that’s not really funny, but whatever. Send.” Those get so many RTs that they get used in a Buzzfeed Twitter roundup of the best tweets about sandwiches. Side note: On heaven’s Buzzfeed, you always get whatever quiz result you desire. B^)
- Everyone is verified.
- Every selfie gets at least nine faves, minimum. Even the drunk blurry ones you delete the next morning. (You still get to keep the faves even when you delete the tweet in Twitter Heaven!) Also: the “like” button is still the “favorite” button. You don’t need the validation of a heart icon because you already have the validation of being in heaven. Unless you like the hearts, then you can totally still keep them. <3
3 - Men cannot type the word “actually.”
- There are no bad takes. All takes are Good. Just a Twitter full of good-ass takes. No one’s busting in, being all “Heaven Is Good, but Could It Be Better?” or “Heaven: Here’s Where It Went Wrong” or “Seven Things About Heaven We Should Be Talking About More” or “The One Problematic Thing About St. Peter That No One’s Talking About.”
- Dat boi is always just hangin’ around.
- O shit waddup!
- Only the people you want to slide into your DMs slide into your DMs. The creepers have their accounts suspended. In the good DMs though? One big ol’ orgy.
- You get two pinned tweets.
- Brands are just brands. Like, they just tweet a picture of tube of toothpaste once a day or whatever. No weird Twitter nonsense from Denny’s, just lots of delicious pancakes.
- Nothing but dank memes.
- No one posts links to Instagram photos that you gotta click and open up the browswer. In fact, Twitter Heaven goes back to that wonderful time when Twitter and Instagram got along and you could preview ‘grams right in tweets.
- @coffee_dad always gets his coffee.
- Seinfeld still on TV, no imagening.
- @horse_ebooks is still crushing it. In Twitter heaven, the account never turned out to be some performance art experiment or whatever. @horse_ebooks is still whatever you believe it is.
- The owns are so sick. Everyone gets to epically own the Bad Celebrities. Tyga gets BOFAed on the reg.
- When your tweet is just one character over the limit, they’ll let you slide ;)
- Feminist Twitter evaporates because everyone is completely respectful at all times and all of Twitter is pro-feminism. There is no need for a block button because garbage people are physically unable to hit “send” on garbage tweets. You never get roped into some discussion between two idiots in your mentions. The only types of threads are just Friends Having a Good Time Online and Cute Pictures of Dogs.
- Mr. Krabs is THRIVING.
- Everyone’s already dead, which sucks, BUT at least there’s no Grief Twitter, where people are trying to out-mourn each other!
- Twitter eggs are full of delicious chocolate instead of racism.
- People read your feed for context before they enter your mentions. Speaking of context, you always know what everyone is joking about right away, so you can just dive into the fray instead of having to look back like 200 tweets first.
- You get a residual check every month for the memes The Fat Jew stole from you.
- Awards Show/Sports/Wrestling/TV spoiler tweets only appear to people who are also watching those things.
- Vine threads are actually funny.
- When you try to send a subtweet it deletes itself and a glass of water appears for your consumption.
- If you do a quote tweet that just says “lmao” or has a crying emoji, all the faves and RTs revert to the original tweeter.
- Anyone you block TRULY gets blocked. They can’t just look at your profile from another account or offline.
- No one is allowed to discuss Snapchat filters.
- Only good and original parody accounts are allowed. Nobody has ever heard of Stewie Griffin, there are no fake Bryson Tiller quote accounts, and Emo Kylo Ren is focused on one source of sadness: the fact he’s in Twitter Hell for not being funny.
- In fact, all the garbage tweeters are in Twitter Hell. Azealia Banks and Piers Morgan, though, are locked in an eternal battle in their own dimension of the afterlife, the all-consuming hate of their tweets back and forth creating an energy field so strong that it is able to replace fossil fuels on earth and prevent global warming.
- You get to keep your followers when you die. St. Peter gives you a thousand more at the pearly gates. None of them are bots, just some cool-ass saints who give you Favstar trophies.
- bae: come over
you: can’t
bae: my parents are also already dead and we are all one unified celestial energy in eternal paradise
you:
- Mixtape links are not allowed (alt: all the mixtapes are good).
- When you tweet a joke, no one replies with a slightly different, much less funny version of the joke.
- When your mom tries to follow you she’s given a realistic bot that is just like you only far more polite.
- All the people that retweet @TheTweetofGod account burn in hell.
- *Kurt Vonnegut voice* Everything was classic and nothing trash.
- No one tweets about generations because they’re all dead as shit boi.
- Bees are thriving at an alarming rate globally.
- You’re allowed to talk to me and my son (and the holy spirit) whenever you want, for all of eternity, amen.
- No typos. (Or if you make one, you get to correct it before anyone sees.)
- Crying Jordan is smiling.
- The best part about Twitter heaven, though, is that you don’t even use it that much because you spend most of your time talking to people IRAL (In Real After-Life). You even get to talk to God:
