Yes Glastonbury’s off to a great start – Ryan woke up with a giant dick tattooed on his chest and I ate a yoghurt for breakfast. But never mind what we’re up to. What are you guys up to? You, the people of Britain’s cities who don’t like shitting in something that isn’t made of porcelain and don’t want to hear Chas from Chas and Dave in a solar-powered yurt. What’s going on with you?

Oh I guess you’re sending spiteful tweets about how they hope everyone gets washed away in biblical floods.

Does this happen at any other kind of event? If you get left off a wedding invite list do you go on Facebook and start commenting on photos of the couple going “HOPE HE HAS AN AFFAIR AND CONTRACTS AIDS”.

What is it about a giant celebration of music and life laid on by a non-for-profit company at huge benefit to global charities that makes people want to see hundreds of thousands of people trying to escape the monotony of workaday life have a really fucking shit time.

I get that some people just aren’t into this kind of thing, but this isn’t even about that haters. This is about watching the psychological summersaults of someone who is trying to convince themselves they made the right decision not to buy a ticket nine months ago. As if internet aggression will make their crippling fomo subside. You can see that all coming together in this beautiful outpouring:

And here’s a charming guy who marked a young man’s ketamine related death with this:

Guys, I don’t know how to tell you this but right now the sun is blazing, Blondie just ran through their greatest hits, I might go and get some kind of tagine in a minute, then there’s like a four-hour Numbers party in the dance village. And what are you going to do this weekend? Watch England not play in the second round of the World Cup, drink a few Thatchers with your “mates” that you actually fucking hate, go home watch the second half of whatever shit action film is on BBC One, then try and have a wank but you can’t even manage that so you fall asleep?

Oh shit, I see how you lot get so angry now.

Follow Sam on Twitter: @SamWolfson