I’ve been sloshing my way through a canyon full of snot this week, but rather than making a bathtub of promethazine sizzurp, I’ve gone for a sick bed favourite of mine. See, my mother always taught me that rather than fill up on vegetable soup or anything of nutritional value, you should feed an ill body with dough and vague cow off-cuts brined in a can. Who cares if you’re coughing up chunks of lung tissue when you're cuddled up under a blanky with these little saline buddies?
We’ve fisted poultry and baked with benzos, but making bread for the first time gives you a sense of smuggington smug face that not even keying a supermodel's car can provide. Once you’ve broken the bread seal, you should be carb overdosing on jumbo baguette boats in no time.
Annoncering
Ingredients1/2 a can of corned beef
1/2 an onion
4 cups of plain flour
1/2 cup of water
1/4 cup of condensed milk
1/2 cup of sugar
1 teaspoon of salt
5 tablespoons of softened butter
1 egg
2 teaspoons of active dry yeast
Step 1.
Dissolve the yeast in water. It’s very important to use lukewarm water; think the temperature cultivated by wet look leggings. Clammy. Clammy yeast.Step 2.
Slowly stir in the butter, egg and canned milk. Like I’ve said before, all good food looks like hobo vomit in the first stages of cooking.Step 3.
Make a well in the flour and stir in the yeast sludge. Until it looks like…Step 4.
Bread dough. You need to then knead the shit out of it for longer than feels necessary (bear in mind that I'm an industrious person, whereas you're probably K Cider drinking dole scum, so what feels necessary for me might be different to what feels necessary for you).Step 5.
Once beaten into submission, cover and leave your dough brain to nap somewhere warm for an hour.Step 6.
The corned beef may look like a disgusting hunk of cat food when you wrench it out of the tin, but it tastes of… salt, scrumptious cholesterol raping salt meat.Step 7.
Fry until squishy. Ketchup is optional, but really you’re probably eating about eleven different bits of cow in one sitting already, so why not dump a load of prole sauce in, people are past thinking you’re classy.Step 8.
Filling done, your dough should’ve doubled in size so it’s on to the second bout of kneading. Once you've gone to pains to sexualise as much food as I have, you can start complaining about how much effort this recipe takes.
Annoncering
Step 9.
Roll the dough out into this sort of shape. It sort of looks like a snake, doesn't it?Step 10.
Then chop it up evenly into fist-sized lumps like you're John Wayne Bobbit's hungry wife.Step 11.
Punch your bread blobs flat and fill with your fancy ass cat food and pinch to seal.Step 12.
Shine your balls with more condensed milk and bake on 200c for 20 minutes.
Et voila: Home-made buns perfect for keeping the vitamins in your system down, and the risk of irreversible heart complications in middle age up!