Survey On Sex at Festivals Reveals That People Are Boinking to All the Wrong Things

Who is sexing to Muse? Why? Wait, I don't want the answer.

af Alex Robert Ross
24 august 2016, 8:50pm

Photo by Jake Lewis

Sex. Intercourse. The physical act of love. If you’re unmarried, it’s fornication. If you are married, good for you for keeping that flame burning. In Australia, it’s called “copping a root,” which is weird. In Canada, it’s called “hiding the bishop,” which is gross. Most of us like it, but some of us aren't having it. We, your Noisey staff, think that It Is Good.

But what about the Brits? In this completely unbiased British writer’s opinion, the Brits are Good at Sex. The Brits, of course, refer to sex as “shagging” which may not sound sexy at first, but just imagine Hugh Grant or his heir apparent Benedict Cumberbatch saying it. Pretty steamy. The Brits will shag anywhere: outside a kebab shop at 2 AM after a bad drum ’n’ bass night, inside a kebab shop at 2am after a bad drum ’n’ bass night. Anywhere.

And according to a survey by an adult toy retailer, this includes Doing It at music festivals, despite the unhygienic atmosphere and near-constant presence of one of the fucking Gallagher brothers. Lovehoney asked 1000 British festival-goers which festival was the most conducive to lovemaking, which artists get them in the mood, which genre they prefer during the act, and where exactly they like to do it.

It’s worth looking at the responses one by one. A thousand respondents is around the average for a national US election poll, so there are reasons to have faith in the findings. Buried in the data, we find the British psyche and the music mind laid bare, the sheets up around their unmentionables, post-shag.

First of all, 34 percent of respondents said that the Glasonbury Festival was the best place for a bone. It beat Creamfields (EDM) and Download (metal) to the top spot by over 20 percent. This is not entirely unexpected—Glasonbury is popular—but it is definitely unhygenic and almost certainly would involve some sort of cheap, poorly made, “native” jewellery that was sold to you by a woman whose real name is Sandra. The other significant digit here—aside from traditional second biggest festival Reading’s paltry four percent of the vote—is the one percent that Latitude gained. The Cambridgeshire festival is now well established as a middle class colony with espresso carts and gap year goat curries. Are the bourgeoisie not boning anymore? It’s a concern.

Photo by Jake Lewis

Moving on, 25 percent of respondents agreed that R ’n’ B was the best genre to do the dirty to. That’s just common sense. But why only 1 percent of people want to have rumpy pumpy to rap music is beyond me, particularly when 6 percent of people answered with the word “pop.” That’s around 60 people who when asked “what kind of music makes you feel erotic” responded by saying “whatever is in the charts.” I can’t be sure if I love or hate these people right now, but I know they’re out there and it’s troubling me.

Then we move onto the best place to have sex at a festival. This is all pretty much by the book. Most people want to have sex in a tent because it’s the closest thing to cleanliness and privacy you’re going to get; very few people want to do the midnight organ fight in a goddamn porta-potty. Reason prevails.

Until the final category, that is. “Which of this summer’s festival headliners would most put you in the mood to have sex?” Lovehoney asked. Rihanna tops the list with 30 percent and that’s fine. Red Hot Chili Peppers are in second on 17 percent which is basically the least that they can expect after a three-decade career based around intercourse. It would be downright humiliating if they didn’t make the podium.

But then it gets weird. Who the hell is mingling limbs to the dulcet tones of forlorn songstress Adele, the third-placed competitor? Who hears one woman’s impassioned cry for an ex-partner and has a surge of sex hormones? Am I missing the sexual undertones of Adele’s music? How sad it that sex going to be? Are both parties in tears throughout the act, or do you just cry after? I don’t want the answers to any of these questions.

But I’d forgive that 10 percent (!) of people if it weren’t for the fact that I have to jump over Coldplay (!!) in fourth spot just to find myself at Muse in fifth. WHO IS HAVING SEX TO MUSE? AND WHY? Doing sex during a Muse live set is not called sex, it’s called “coitus” and it’s weird. At some point during Muse coitus, somebody probably makes a Star Wars reference, and not a good one either. Probably something about the Death Star that makes both parties immediately uncomfortable. 7.5 percent of my countrypeople responded to a question about sex—in which they had the option to say Justin Bieber or Rihanna—by saying the word “Muse.”

Sex is Good. We stand by that. We will never desert our principles. But we implore you all—British, American, Australian, even Canadian—try to resist arousal when you hear Adele's "Someone Like You;" hide your boner during Coldplay's "Clocks;" and for the love of God, don't admit to anyone in an official or unofficial capacity that you want to cop off to Muse's "Starlight."

Alex Robert Ross would boink to Biffy. Follow him on Twitter.

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