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Question Of The Day

Are Trees the Earth's Hair?

And what's its vagina?
11 maj 2012, 4:20pm

Welcome to Question of the Day. It gives interns something to do!

It's Friday, and we’re tired from a long week of hard work and our musings have become like, super deep and totally philosophical... so we decided to let someone else decide what should be the Question of the Day for a change. So thanks, VICE reader William Laborde for your question: Have you ever thought trees are like the Earth's hair?

This led us to question: If rainforests are the Earth’s sideburns, then what is the Earth’s heart? What are its hands? And, more to the point, what is the Earth’s vagina? BIG thoughts for a Friday afternoon.

We took our questions to the streets of London to see what all of you out there think.

VICE: Have you ever thought that trees are like the Earth's hair?
Silva, 41, photographer: No.

Out of all the orifices on the Earth, which one do you think would be its vagina?
Volcanoes, they produce new life.

Don’t they destroy life?
They destroy and build, it's part of the same process.

What would be the Earth’s hands?
The wind.

Poetic, what would be the Earth's anus?
Well, there are several parts of London that spring to mind.

Martin, 23, store manager: I have actually, yeah.

OK, what gender do you think the Earth is?
It has to be female, Mother Nature and shit.

What’s the Earth's vagina, then?
I’d say weed, part of the weed plant.

'Cos when it grows it gets kind of bushy like when a girl doesn’t shave her vagina.

If the Earth had a penis how would it fuck weed?
Weed's like, really soft, so you can like, mush it into anything.

What’s the Earth's worst habit?
Putting bastards on this planet.

Amy, 26, student: Errrm, not really.

OK, so out of all the holes and crevices on this Earth, which one would be the vagina?
There’s a deep hole somewhere in the Atlantic or something. I don’t remember the name, but it’s super deep!

Looking for G-spot in a vagina that deep would be futile.
I guess so.

What’s the Earth's penis, then?
Gosh, a volcano!

Wow, that’s got quite a destructive ejaculation.

David, 58, Community Support Officer: No.

Do you understand where I’m going with this?

What would you say are the Earth's hands?

Do you think the earth likes humanity?
On occasions not, otherwise we wouldn’t have earthquakes, would we?

So an earthquake is like the Earth having a headache saying “Argh, I can’t stand these people!”
Some people, yeah. But I’m an officer of the law, it likes me!

Yes, you are definitely an officer of the law. What would you say is the Earth's anus, officer?
The desert! Non-arable land!


Ana, 20, retail: Errrm, I never really thought about it, but when you say it like that, yeah.

Out of all of the crevices on the Earth, which is its [points to vagina]?
There’s too many, it has many vaginas.

What would you say is the Earth's brain?

No brain? It must have one!
It does but I can’t think of a good answer.

Well then it's obviously not your brain.

What’s the Earth's Vagina?
Nick, 30, sales: The sea.

Wow, that’s a big vagina. The Earth is essentially a whore, then?
It loves us all.

What about its penis? What's the Earth’s penis?
The Himalayas.

All of them? That’s more than one.
Well it’s the Earth, innit.

Rob, 25, shipping: I get what you mean, yeah.

Out of all the crevices on this Earth, what would be the vagina?
I been to Vegas recently, so Vegas.

What’s the Earth's heart?
London, places like Hoxton and Shoreditch.

Does the Earth like humanity in general?
I don’t think it does any more.

Previously - Who Would You Kill?