How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend

Shorts by American Apparel, jumper by GAP

All good things come to an end. But it'd be weird to think that good things have a monopoly on ending; shitty things end too, only with those it's usually down to you to call them off.

If your boyfriend has become a shitty thing in your life, then it's time to tourniquet that creep. Here's how to do it in seven easy steps (each of them inspired by the good people at WikiHow).

PHOTOGRAPHY: ғ ʀ ᴇ ᴇ ʟ ᴀ ɴ ᴅ ɢ ᴏ ʀ s ᴇ 人間 キャプチャー
STYLING: KYLIE GRIFFITHS
Stylist assistant: Thomas Ramshaw and Hannah Gooding
Hair & Makeup: Lydia Warhurst using Mac Cosmetics & Tigi Bedhead.
Makeup Assistant: Amelia Ferrari
Models: Alex at FM, Charlie at M+P

Words: Elektra Kotsoni

Alex: Dress by Motel, choker by Freedom at Topshop – Kevin: T-shirt by Timberland

STEP 1. MAKE SURE YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

A feeling of utter disgust in his presence; avoiding his kisses; rolling your eyes at his jokes; creating arguments out of thin air about how fucking much you hate soup just so he leaves you alone. If two or more of these things sound like you right now, then it's time you made a break. It's one thing to split up with someone, it's another to carpet bomb all their happy memories of young love with the image of you screaming at them in the street because they had the gall to make you minestrone for "dinner".

If you're still not sure, think long and hard: What are his most annoying habits? Everyone has their own irritation threshold. Maybe you'd kick a sweet guy to the curb just because he occasionally picks his nose; maybe for you it takes more, like him "sleepwalking" into your roommates' bed after a heavy midweek FIFA session.

There are a billion reasons to break up with someone. The main thing to get straight in your head is whether or not that reason really matters to you. Be selfish; the world is a lonely place and it's about to turn cold and grey again. Before you commit to being alone this winter, you should be 100 percent certain that you hate your boyfriend's guts.

Dungarees, jacket and T-shirt from Beyond Retro, choker by Freedom at Topshop

STEP 2. MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND THINK BREAKING UP WAS HIS IDEA

Now that you've made your decision, it's time to make him think it was really his all along. Maybe he "hasn't been happy for ages anyway", maybe you're "about to undergo genital warts removal surgery", maybe he's simply "too good" for you.

Turn those arguments into a brief speech, write it down and take it with you wherever you go so that you can memorise it while you're on the bus or busy "clearing your head" with vodka in your favourite out-of-town friend's bedroom.

Alex: Jacket from Beyond Retro – Kevin: T-shirt by Timberland, hoodie by American Apparel, jeans model's own 

STEP 3. CHOOSE AN APPROPRIATE TIME AND PLACE TO BREAK THE NEWS TO YOUR BOYFRIEND

Don't do it by text or at home – both can lead to kissing and you don't want that because just being around him makes your stomach feel like someone shat in it, remember?

So choose a public space where it's impossible for him to make a scene. A pub is always a good idea because getting drunk will lower your inhibitions and you will progressively give less and less of a fuck about his feelings. It's basically like those first dates when you had to get plastered to even dare hold his gaze, only in reverse – it's all come full circle!

Another decent choice would be taking him to the cinema, because that way you reduce the risk of him coming prepared and wasting your time trying to win you back. He won't have the slightest idea he's about to get the boot  – what kind of psycho breaks up with someone at the cinema? Break the news to him during the trailers, then enjoy the movie and his silence.

Wherever you do it, make sure you have very strict plans afterwards – preferably with a family member so you can't change them at the last minute because he's too sad.

Kevin: T-shirt by Calvin Klein – Alex: Jeans from Beyond Retro, T-shirt by Lazy Oaf, shoes model's own

STEP 4. LOOK GREAT

Ensure you look good enough to make him rue what he'll be missing but not hot enough for him to start crying and end up ruining your after-cinema plans with your mum.

Keep it simple: Minimal make-up, jeans and a nice T-shirt that accentuates your best features will make the transition from break up convo to visiting grandma at the care home as smooth as your armpit on the first day of shaving.

T-shirt by Calvin Klein

STEP 5. BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

Revise your notes on the way to the pub, the cinema or the spa. Once you get there, take a deep breath and kiss your boyfriend. I know the thought of his saliva on your face makes you wanna start slapping at your breasts but you are about to give him a lifetime of insecurities and random complexes he didn't even know he could have. Be nice.

Have a couple of shots, take a deep breath and start reciting your little speech. Look earnest but be adamant. Don't let him speak too much or he'll interrupt your train of thought. Dumping someone doesn't really have to be awkward, so long as you don't give a shit.

Kevin: T-shirt by Calvin Klein – Alex: T- shirt by Lazy Oaf

STEP 6. RUN

Literally, run as soon as you are finished breaking up with your boyfriend. You're finally free of that loser, you're alive again, there is so much for you to do.

STEP 7. TIPS

– If you for whatever reason you do still find him attractive, text him later to say, "Thank you for understanding and paying for my tickets and popcorn and my taxi back home." This will make it OK for you to booty call him in the future after lonely nights out.

– Know who your rebound is going to be before you break up. The fact you temporarily castrated an otherwise functioning young man doesn't mean you don't deserve love and affection yourself. We're all human.

– Understand that this article is a joke and don't email me to tell me that my "mum is a slut". Look at the nice photos, get some sartorial inspiration for your next date and check out more of Freel and Gorse's work instead.

@elektrakotsoni

More from Freel and Gorse:

We Made a Virtual Girl to See What Tinder Had to Say to Her

A Fashion Love Letter to Football Stickers

These Models Spend Their Entire Lifes Inside Trainers