Guitar Store Guy Plays 100 Famous Guitar Riffs and Leaves Out Iron Maiden

Alex Chadwick works in a guitar store, which means when you ask him to try out an instrument he'll get it for you but not before belting out a section of "Eruption", showing how much harder they shred than you. I hated guys like this so much that I'd go to Guitar Center, ask to try the most expensive Ibanez, crank up an amp, and fumble through “Smells Like Teen Spirit” or “Crazy Train” just to piss them off. Their faces would prune up and they'd try to show you the right way to play the riff and I'd just walk off.

Alex decided to make a video of the 100 most famous guitar riffs and play them chronologically, in one take. That last part is important because not only did Alex list the equipment he used to play these riffs, he also is very proud that he could do this in one take. I guess we're supposed to be impressed that some asshole who sits around all day one-upping kids who just started playing an instrument can play 100 guitar riffs without fucking up. There are other people who can do this, Alex, they're called musicians, they wrote the riffs you're playing. K.K. Downing, Alex Skolnick, and Yngwie Malmsteen can play for over an hour the majority of the year without fucking up and you want me to watch your shitty video? Also, you forgot to include Iron Maiden, Mötorhead, or Slayer but included Jet, Toadies, and Marcy Playground. I hate you and want to beat you with the DOD American Metal pedal that I bought in 8th grade.

Thank god they didn't film his face while he was playing. Twelve minutes of his face clenched up like he's taking a shit after a full day of watching college football would make me actually follow through with my threat to fuck him up. Right now someone is playing one of these riffs on a Carvin guitar in pristine condition with a Floyd Rose locking tremolo. I like that guy because he's not filming himself and bumming me out.

We can assume that if that guy went into Alex's store, Alex would be a prick to him and try to show him up. I'm going to search every finished basement in New Jersey until I find "that guy," the perfect ripper to challenge Alex to a duel like in Crossroads.

To make it more entertaining, my duel would take place in a suburban mall food court. Each contestant will have a Marshall full stack set up facing each other at opposite ends--Alex by the spot that sells the oily pretzels, and Jersey metal guy by Sbarro. The rules: no solos, no whammy bars, no stopping, no repeats, and no fucking finger tapping. Each guy must play riffs until he runs out of them without stopping. You're allowed to wear a beer helmet, which will be replenished by the contest staff upon request, you can wear a diaper, and it's BYOPB (Bring Your Own Pedal Board). Alex, you're going to have to brush up on “Wasted Years” and “The Trooper” to take this, The Shins aren't going to cut it.

@anthonypops