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The War Report - Carmelo Anthony Is the Knicks’ Condom

The only thing worse than Carmelo Anthony in the last week is the new law requiring condoms in porn.
Κείμενο Analog Charlie

Carmelo Anthony is the worst. I think he’s worse than Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa Cake. Rick Santorum thinks he’s worse than college. Black people think he’s worse than Stuart Scott. The only thing worse than Carmelo Anthony in the last week is the new law requiring condoms in porn.

I’ve read all the debates about condoms in porn. Safety of actors, safety of Valley residents, a $6 billion industry moving, condom chaffing, open sores, Nikki Hunter wanting to fuck her husband raw on film. They’re all valid concerns, but they put the rickshaw before the Chinaman. The elephantiasis in the room is WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO BUY PORN WITH CONDOMS? Go ahead and rent cameras, pay grips, and wear condoms making movies absolutely no one is going to buy. The $6 billion industry isn’t going to move, it’s going to die like baby batter in a tube sock. If you’ve seen Analyze This, you understand. There are hoes for things your girl doesn’t do and there is porn for things even hoes won’t do. Exhibit A:


Dr. Ben Sobel: What happened with your wife last night?

Boss Paul Vitti: I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Are you having marriage problems?

Boss Paul Vitti: No.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Then why do you have a girlfriend?

Boss Paul Vitti: What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?

Dr. Ben Sobel: No, I'm not, I'm just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?

Boss Paul Vitti: I do things with her I can't do with my wife.

Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't you do them with your wife?

Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?

Look, you have girlfriends for parents, hoes for ATM, and porn for facial destruction which is impossible with condoms on. In so many words, we want to see a large gathering of peoples from all walks of life blast Ava Devine in the face, wipe it with a tortilla, and proceed to make cum burritos. That’s why man created the first Raw Food Stand and Jerk Cooking Show: Bukakke. You’re asking yourself, what does Carmelo Anthony have to do with any of this? I’m glad you asked.

Carmelo Anthony is the condom on D’Antoni’s offense. When he was injured, the Knicks displayed a free-flowing offense that, like Bukakke, was being revolutionized by one very forward-thinking Asian, Jeremy Lin. Despite having the smallest cock on the Knicks’ roster, Lin took inspiration from another Asian Visionary, Voltron, and realized that if they all formed like one giant Son of Dong, they could take the NBA by storm and they did. This is how a D’Antoni film went when Melo was injured:


Stoudemire: Aiight, Lin, you go first cause you won’t stretch her pussy out.

Lin: OK, but are you guys sure I’m not going to lose my Kumon sponsorship if I do this?

Novak: Dude, even I’m doing this, State Farm is behind it 100 percent.

Lin: Alright, here I go guys.

*Lin fucks Asa Akira from behind with goggles on, garlic in hand, and rosary beads around neck*

Shumpert: Is Asa Akira a vampire?

JR: Naw, naw, J just on that Jesus shit, let him live son.

Lin: OK, I came!

Stoudemire: Man you came inside? Ain’t you never seen Bukkake!?!?!

Chandler: Guys, guys, guys, calm down, I’ll clean it up!

Clyde Frazier: You see that, Mike, Chandler is the consummate professional and teammate. Look how he gets on the floor with those wet wipes: cleaning and preening!

All the ingredients needed to make a great D’Antoni porno are still in the building, but Melo is the fucking condom ruining it all. This is how the shoots have gone since Melo came back:

Stoudemire: Aiight, Lin, you go first cause you won’t stretch LeBron’s Mom’s pussy out.

Melo: Oh hell no, I’m goin in first, second, and third, act like you mother fuckers know!

Fields: Man, I thought I was third!

Melo: Bitch you light skinned! Don’t nobody want to see that dick in a porno, get to the back!

Fields: Yes sir…

D’Antoni: Carmelo, listen, this isn’t how we envisioned Seven Seconds or Less, the whole film is predicated on…

Melo: Motherfucker if you got a problem with me not cumming in seven seconds, then call Eddy Curry’s fat ass. He came in his pants gettin’ robbed!


Chandler: Melo, the offense works best if Jeremy goes in the trap first, then I roll to the face and yam it.

Melo: Every one needs to recognize whose team this is, fall back, and put some condoms on while I fuck this bitch missionary not once, not twice, but THRICE cause she a LADY!


D’Antoni: What the hell are you sickos doing? I fucking quit.

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