Teabreak Outrage Medic and Other Human Beings

Yesterday, The Sun reported that "an ambulance driver who refused to go to the aid of a dying woman as he was on a tea break will NOT be fired." But because media editors generally believe that people, like you and I, barely possess the attention span to make it through a Garfield comic strip, 99.9% of this man's existence was expunged, and he became "Teabreak Outrage Medic."

It doesn't matter what he does for the rest of his time on this earth, he'll never be: "Owen McLauchlan, who has a mom and a dad and maybe a few pretty sisters, and who has loved various people and whose life to date has been an irreducible mush of minor failings, minor victories, and emotional shades of gray." He'll just be "Teabreak Outrage Medic" (or "TOM," if the story really takes off). He's the man whose love of soothing warm drinks cost another person their life and condemned him to sit sheepishly alongside the likes of "Canoe Wife," "Balcony Leap Dad," and "Shoe Bomber" for all eternity.

It's a nice way of simplifying things, I guess. It's certainly helping me.

GRUNGE TRAGEDY SHOTGUN MATE

If the world really was as simple as the British tabloids made it out to be, no one would know who Earth were. (We hyperlinked that in case you work for The Sun).

PIG BAY CIGAR MAN

We would never have had 50 years of Cuban Communism, JFK, The Godfather II, that Simpsons episode with the trillion dollar bill, or exploding cigars.

LITTLE PURPLE STADIUM PERV

No one would know that Prince made music. They'd see him up on the stage and get him confused with David Copperfield :(

BAG SNATCH LITTLE WOMAN

Maybe shouldn't take the piss out of her. She was in a clinic and stuff.

FUCK SMASH BOOK LAD

If the world saw solely through tabloid headline eyes, we would not have half the Joy Division back catalog and Crash would probably be something starring Don Cheadle.

TELLY PAEDO GAG SOD

That actually sounds like something Chris Morris would say.

PREGNANT BILLIONAIRE SLUM REP

MIA would just be an abbreviation of this classic film.

BAKER STREET SAX SOLO

RIP in peace Gerry.

CHILD STAR WEED SLOB

When cats get stoned they're unable to release the THC from their bodies, which means they stay stoned forever. Actually, feeding drugs to her cat would probably get ol' Beth Coast in the tabloids.