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Parent Killers

The only thing worse than killing your parents is getting caught with the bodies. Here's a quick how-to on losing their remains.
MS
Κείμενο Mark Squire
1.12.05

Photo from AP

The only thing worse than killing your parents is getting caught with the bodies. Here’s a quick how-to on losing their remains. You will need:

1 empty bathroom, 2 dead bodies, 24 hours of uninterrupted solitude, 1 large bathtub, 1 jar Vicks VapoRub, 2 dozen heavy-duty contractor’s trash bags, 2 dozen gallons of bleach, 2 dozen bottles of Red Devil lye, 1 crowbar, 1 food processor, 1 plumber’s wrench, 1 meat cleaver, 1 fillet knife, 1 ball-peen hammer, 1 vise, 3 boxes Arm & Hammer baking soda, 10–12 soup bowls

Place the bodies in the bathtub. Distribute the baking soda among the bowls and place these around the room. This will help with the odor (your dead parents reek). Smear Vicks beneath your nose so you don’t barf. For each body (we suggest starting with your dad because of that bullshit where you weren’t allowed to sit in his chair) make two deep cuts with the fillet knife, wrapping around the tops of the thighs. This will sever the main arteries. Now push down on the chest right between the nipples 30 or 40 times, until the blood stops flowing out from the thighs. Repeat for Mom. As the blood flows down the drain, mix in bleach and hot water to keep the pipes clear and the smell under control.

Unless you live in an apartment,* use the plumber’s wrench to loosen the sewer pipe from the base of toilet, then lift the entire toilet away from the wall. This will reveal your home’s main drain down into the sewer. Voilà! You can drop golf-ball-size hunks of gore directly into the sewer through this drain, as opposed to the tub, which will clog if you try anything larger than a grape.

Sever the limbs and head with the meat cleaver. Then work on each of the six pieces one at a time. Start by crushing the joints with the ball-peen hammer, then whittle away as much flesh as possible with the fillet knife. The flesh goes into the food processor, then down the drain, followed by liberal amounts of bleach and hot water. If a hunk of skin or bone clogs the drain, use the lye to clear it. There will be some leftover hunks of bone and ligament when you’re done, as well as the skull. Use the vise to brace larger bones and shatter them. Get the pieces tiny (if anyone discovers them, you want it to look like a possum or squirrel), and wrap them in trash bags. Federally protected wilderness is best for burial. You better have visited the site in advance and dug a hole at least eight feet deep. Empty your trash bags into the hole and pour the remainder of the lye over the whole mess for good measure. Fill in the hole (doye).
Now go get a cheesesteak. You’ve earned it.

MARK SQUIRE
*If you live in an apartment, don’t kill your parents.

Editor’s note: Look, we heard about this method of corpse disposal from a friend of ours who was in jail and listened to two guys who were trying to impress everyone in the cafeteria by talking about it. We don't know how this could more clearly be a joke for us, but our lawyer thinks we could get in trouble if we don’t say it. So, readers, listen very carefully. This is a fucking joke. Don’t kill your parents, or anyone else, and don’t chop up their bodies. We are just riffing around with you here. Be good.