Cry-Baby of the Week

It's time to point and laugh at a couple of pussies again!

Cry-Baby #1: Ross Evans

(via)

The incident: A ten-year-old boy named Kieran found some porn on an iPad in John Lewis, a department store chain in the UK.

The appropriate reaction: Laughing. That shit is hilarious when you're ten.

The actual reaction: According to an article in The Sun, after seeing the porn, which his uncle described as "rotten porn… It wasn’t even boy and girl stuff" (which I think means it was "gay porn"), Kieran became "really upset and kept asking what it was about".

Which, whatever, he's ten. He's allowed to get upset about stuff like that. I definitely wouldn't have been when I was ten, but if he did, that's obviously no biggie. The real cry-baby here is his uncle, Ross Evans, who not only complained to John Lewis—who, he claims, "didn't take it seriously"—but presumably must have gotten in touch with The Sun to tell them all about it, too.

And then The Sun would have sent a writer and photographer to the boy's house to get that picture of him up there looking sad with an iPad, and then somebody would have had to call John Lewis's head office to get a quote, and the people at John Lewis would have sat around trying to work out the best way to handle it from a PR perspective (“The device was not correctly connected to our demonstration network. It won’t happen again,” is what they settled with, BTW), and then someone would have had to write the article up, and then it would have gone through an editor, and then gotten uploaded to The Sun website, and then people would have taken time out of their days to read about it, and 131 of those people then commented on the post, and then, before you know it, literally thousands of people are involved.

Because a ten-year-old saw some porn on a device that is connected to the internet.

Cry-Baby #2: Debbie Schlussel

The incident: Conservative blogger Debbie Schlussel realized that Zayn Malik, a member of One Direction, is a Muslim.

The appropriate reaction: Keeping her troll mouth shut.

The actual reaction: Debbie wrote a blog post called "Boy Band Jihad: Mega Pop Star Pimping Islam on Your Daughter."

In the post, Debbie outlined how Zayn is "pimping Islam on your kids." Which included these SHOCKING REVELATIONS:

- Zayn once tweeted the word "Ramadan"

- He also once retweeted an account called "Islamic Thinking"

- He once wore a keffiyeh (or "official garb of Islamic terrorism", as Debbie calls it)

- His family is from Pakistan

And that's pretty much it. I guess, from that, you could conclude that he is a Muslim. And that he buys shitty scarves from H&M. Which, according to Debbie, is a very scary thing indeed:

"The scary thing is that millions of girls in America and around the world are infatuated with the members of One Direction, including Malik. He’s no dummy. He knows the power he has over these mindless girls and is using that influence to preach the Islamic faith to them and try to convert them. It’s dangerous. And there’s a reason he tweeted that he didn’t have a girlfriend on the same day he tweeted Islamic preaching. Hey, if you convert to Islam, you can be my girltoy…"

Before signing off with the chilling warning that, "…for them there is definitely One Direction: facing Mecca," which is actually kind of a great line.

So who is the biggest cry-baby? Let us know in the poll below so that we can shame one of these self-serious pussies forever.

Who is the bigger cry-baby? Previously: Cillit Bang Police Idiots Vs. Some Dude Who Can't Handle His Weed

Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT