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The Best Online Sex Ads Posted from Military Bases in Afghanistan

Despite the fact that military bases are often featured prominently in gay porn, I don’t imagine there is a whole lot of sex happening at them, IRL. Getting laid while on duty requires discretion, and propositioning the people you work with is about as...
Brian Moylan
Κείμενο Brian Moylan

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Despite the fact that military bases are often featured prominently in gay porn, I've never imagined there's a whole lot of sex happening at them, IRL. Getting laid while on duty requires discretion, and propositioning the people you work with on a regular basis is about as sneaky as a Panzer. So you can't really blame our soldiers (and civilian contractors) for posting dirty ads online complete with sexxxy requests and pictures of their junk. Everyone is looking for some NSA (No Strings Attached) action.


Unfortunately the Great Cock Block from the West, a.k.a. the US military, isn't too happy about our soldiers’ online solicitations. It has become such a problem, in fact, that the Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS) has started "tracking service members who are hooking up in the war zone via internet sites," according to Marine Corps Times. Posting personals isn’t technically against the rules, but in Afghanistan, sex between unmarried soldiers is "highly discouraged," and posting pictures of your junk on the internet is against the Uniform Code of Military Justice (probably because soldiers can't take one without removing their uniforms, hey-o!).

In the interest of military transparency and boners, let’s take a look at some of the ads our servicemen and women are posting.

This one seems nice and innocent. A grunt on Kandahar Airfield just looking for a nice lady for "conversations." So puritanical.

After being stuck with 60 guys for nine months straight, this solider just needs some pussy. He's not real picky, but he claims to have a big dick and he's going to be at Bagram Airfield for a night. So, ladies, can't you help a brother out?

Here's a bi soldier who is looking for a regular dude at Camp Eggers in Kabul. "Deployment drags and gets boring here so fast!" he says. Nothing passes the time like a BJ, does it?

This brazen boy doesn't want your name or to even talk with you, but he's ballsy enough to post pictures of his face on the world wide web. What he might lack in conversational skills, he makes up for by having a place to host his guests, which seems to be a premium out there.


Yes, that is the boy with the dragon tattoo, but he's just a civilian contractor so he won't get in any trouble. No danger there. He does have a room on Forward Operating Base Warrior in Afghanistan, though. Ladies, get in line!

Pssst. Guys. There's a nice lady at Bagram Airfield, one of our largest bases in Afghanistan, who just wants to service some service members’ members. Just a blow and go. Pass it on.

This lady is not in Iraq or Afghanistan. She's at home, and has a tan-line fetish. She's showing you hers, now she wants some "roughnecks" to send her pictures of theirs and the "muscles" they've been working on in the "sandbox." This is why we're out there fighting, boys.

No wonder they call Forward Operating Base Salerno "Rocket City"—all the guys are in the shower showing off their rockets. This gay soldier wants to beat off another private in public. These showers seem to be about as active as every Equinox in the world. This is why they didn't want to end "don't ask, don't tell," people. Thanks for setting back the gay rights movement so you can blow a load down the drain.

Someone please fuck this lady at Warrior so she can take her pussy lips off the internet. Thank you.

This gay dude at Camp Leatherneck is crafty. He posted his ass in the w4m section hoping to lure hard-up straight soldiers into his sex den. Congrats, mister. This is a winning strategy.

Camp Leatherneck is a bastion of gay craziness. Here is a guy who wants to be a bitch/slave for a soldier. You can do whatever you want to him in his office. I'm hard as hell right now.


There are some undiscerning straight guys on Leatherneck, too. This pussy eater is so hungry he doesn't care what the lady looks like as long as she's clean. He just wants to chow on that vag forever. Yum. Yum. Yum.

This hot soldier in Kandahar Airfield not only has a room, but a car, too. What is he, some kind of dignitary? He would like a massage, but only from a lady. Got that, guys? Stop offering to massage him. He likes the ladies. No, seriously. Ladies.

If he doesn't get that massage, maybe he can stop by the private glory hole in this guy's room on KAF. It's not gay if you don't know that the person sucking your dick through a wall is definitely a guy. It could be a lady. Sure. It could.

And, finally, this contractor on Warrior base is so fucking horny he doesn't care who, he doesn't care where, he doesn't care how, he just needs to fuck. Anything. Everything! He'll do it. Call me up when you get home, buddy. I'll screw you silly. It's the least I can do for our troops.

Previously - Don't Celebrate the Gay Marriage Victory with a Wedding of Your Own