LOADY AND SINUS ACTION FIGURES
Johnny Ryan’s comics are so stupid and gross and disgusting, they go full circle and become high-concept art that ivory tower academics should be discussing in some rich guy’s salon. Therefore, by displaying these prominently in your home, you are saying to guests, “I’m either really fucking smart or borderline retarded, but I am definitely not boring so stick around.”
See Johnnyr.com for details.
BEAN ICE CREAM
Got a nagging sweet tooth? Hungry for some delicious sugary ice cream? Want a cool refreshing treat? How about eating a fucking frozen bean?
THE CUTE TRAY
Serving young people alcohol can be daunting because they’ve never tried it before and they’re still reeling from having cocaine in their nose for the first time. Putting all your party supplies on a kitten tray however is a great way to ease them into the party and get them relaxed enough to really, thoroughly enjoy themselves.
With all due respect to the people at Global Sucos, you might not want to get toddlers to name your lemonade. Especially when they hate lemonade.
BRITNEY SPEARS DOLL
You know somewhere, somebody is holding this prebreakdown Britney doll and crying, “Why, Britney? Why-y-y-y-y?” It might be an 8-year-old girl or it might be a 30-year-old drag queen in a K-hole but it’s happening. I guarantee it.
JIZZ CHALK (FOR EXAMPLE)
Fuck hemp. Over 3,000 gallons of male sperm are wasted on bellies and Kleenex every couple of hours. If we could harness that protein, the number of household products it could make is innumerable.
Invent a better toothbrush and the world will beat a path to your door. Invent a toothbrush where you’re supposed to awkwardly jerk it up and down your face like you’re beating off an invisible dick and the world
get one from the dollar store to mail in as a potential Tidbit.
CHALLENGER POWER COOL KNIVES
Thanks, Chinese manufacturing, now the kids can pretend to be highway-patrolmen serial killers who savagely slash strangers’ entrails to shreds and let the blue-black blood pour into the endless darkness of night.
YOUR FAVOURITE FLAVOUR
Without a good marketing team doing your research you have to kind of guess what the consumer wants to put on his food. Actually, fuck guessing. This is whatever you want it to be.
CUP FROM STAGE WEST
The only thing more delicious than booze is sipping it out of a cup with a has-been on it. Stage West is Canada’s Branson, Missouri, which means it takes sad celebrity to a place where old Greg Brady has a mustache and isn’t kidding.
THIS MONTH’S WINNER: VERTICAL TOOTHBRUSH
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