Toronto's New Mayor Is More Than A Fat Fuck

While much of the downtown populace of Toronto were losing their minds last week, becoming born again, bleeding heart Poli-Sci majors and threatening to move away "forever!!", unable to cope with the idea that a cross between Chris Farley, The Penguin and that processed chicken meat picture circulating the internet had just become our mayor, it seemed to make sense to the 47% of people making up his landslide win. Even if you combined the votes of the other two what's-their-names we all voted for and set them against him, Ford still would have won.

The confusing thing about Rob Ford is that he's not that confusing. He's loud, red like the Devil, displays a knack for honesty most can only find after a thousand beers, knows nobody likes him, doesn't give a shit that nobody likes him, is openly racist, homophobic ("If you're not doing needles and you're not gay, you won't get AIDS, probably"), has threatened his wife with death, strangers with death, and yet there is something about him that actually strikes fear in the heart of everyone under 35. Maybe because he has just called bullshit on our whole entire city? And maybe he is a little bit right?

It's more than a little bit funny that the election result grid looks like the entire downtown core giving a giant middle finger to the rest of the GTA. Sure, he runs at the mouth like a Seabiscuit with a hundred extra legs, adorably tripping up every time he opens his pie-hole. And yes, we wanted a quieter, better-looking Mayor who would tweet back at us. But maybe it's better to have the rabid, food-spit-spraying Uncle Buck on your side sometimes? I wish I could approach most things in life with such blatant, bored disregard as he did on the CBC, and then ban them from all further interviews because I didn't like the response. Are we kidding? He is exactly the fuck we are always picturing ourselves not giving. Yeah sure, we have a 25 billion dollar deficit, and his genius plan of scrapping the $60 car registration tax is going to cost everyone an added 40 million bucks, but we are getting pandas at the Toronto Zoo! Fucking PANDAS!