Gagging on Jizzum

I tasted semen for the first time when I was only 13 years old. Knee deep in mulch, I gave my inaugural blowjob on a playground. The lucky kid looked like a broke Justin Bieber. His legs shook so much, I was afraid he was going to collapse on me. The whole thing only lasted two minutes. And when the deed was done, I begrudgingly swallowed his spunk like a capful of Robitussin.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone—guys or gals—to start sucking dicks at the age that I did. It’s hard enough being a teenager and dealing with shit like acne, mean girls, and divorcing parents to have to worry about sex stuff. Understandably—because I was out of my sexual depth—I was incredibly intimidated by the idea of slobbing on a knob in general. In preparation for that faithful night at the church festival, I spent uncountable hours on AOL instant messenger consulting with my friends. The girls I ran with had swallowed their fair share of splooge by then, so they offered their advice: First, don’t do it if it smells weird. Second, always swallow. That second kernel of advice has put a monkey wrench in my sex life over the years, because even the mere scent of semen makes my stomach turn six ways to Sunday.

Despite being an early adopter, I think jizz is pretty gross. I’ve spent a good portion of my sexually awoken life trying to avoid it one way or another. And needless to say, the pressure of swallowing kind of sucks all the sexy out of giving oral sex for me. There have been many points along the way where I’ve figured it was better to just avoid it all together. By the time I reached my junior year of high school, I refused to give head to the guys I dated. I quickly found out that when you are dealing with randy Catholic schoolboys who want to bust a nut in every one of your orifices, your relationships don’t last very long if you aren’t sucking.

When I got to college, I got back on the milk truck, which resulted in more than a few mood-killing yuck-faces. Jizz grossed me out so much, I considered becoming a spitter so that I could avoid the bitter taste, but I could never figure out where the hell to spit it. Did it belong in the trashcan or the toilet? Was I supposed to walk around dry heaving with it in my mouth while I looked for somewhere to spew it? I also knew that by spitting it out, I would become “that girl” on campus. Like the chick in high school who gave handjobs with the tips of her fingers and was forever referred to as “eagle claw.” I even considered “snowballing,” a technique my cousin told me about that involves you spitting the cum back into a guys mouth after he busts in yours. If I have to taste all the remnants of a guy’s poor lifestyle habits concentrated into one dollop of frothy goop, I thought, why shouldn’t he? But after one experiment with this, I realized snowballing isn’t the kind of thing you just spring up on dudes. They want their ejaculation, but they don’t want to eat it, too.

Regardless of my displeasure of swallowing, most of the porn-addled millennial men you run into these days think girls gobbling man-milk is a given. These guys take offense if you don’t suck it down with a smile. They clearly don’t understand that swallowing something that tastes like a raw oyster and comes out of a pee-hole might not be super appealing.

I’ve been told that some women like the taste of jizz, but just like the myth that some people find black licorice tasty, I just can’t believe it. Girls liking the taste of jizz is a lie some man made up a thousand years ago to fool chicks into swallowing under false pretenses.

Guys I have dated have argued to me that I would be offended if they were to make a disgusted face after licking my vagina, but it’s really not the same thing. If my flesh taco was oozing out a thick brackish liquid, I would totally understand if a guy didn’t want to go down there. But, let’s be real. Most men don’t give a shit about what’s in the nappy dug-out. When the doors are closed and the lights are out, most guys will eat any pussy that comes their way—regardless of what they tell their homies.

These days, I am eons away from being the peer-pressured girl who was soliciting BJ tips and obsessively concerned with maintaining a good sex-reputation. When it’s time to get down on the one-night stand tip, I focus on satisfying myself first and foremost. And until I found myself in a long-term relationship, doing that almost never included swallowing icky cum. We could fuck doggystyle. Maybe do a little spanking. You could pull my hair. And I would even stroke it and give your ding-a-ling a few passion-filled licks. But no body was busting in my mouth.

Of course, things change. When you’re in a real, adult, long-term relationship, you get pleasure out of making your partner happy. And everyone knows what makes dudes happy besides sandwiches and Grand Theft Auto—it’s blowjobs.

I've been with the same guy now for like six years. One of the perks of dating a guy for a long time in relation to dick sucking is that I can accurately predict whether my boyfriend's cum is going to taste like salty milk or liquid fucking garbage. If we have been drinking or doing hard drugs, the pungency of grossness is really high. In those cases, I avoid getting it in my mouth at all costs. Verbally, he respects my position like a mature gentleman. Unfortunately, when I actually let the volcano explode anywhere other than my jaws, the look in his eyes is like his grandmother just died. Then there’s the issue of getting cum everywhere and me being the one tasked with cleaning it up, because he’s perfectly fine laying on sheets splattered with jizz. Basically, even though I want to make him happy, swallowing is a lose/ lose situation for me.

To combat the nasty-ass taste of jizzum, we have tried a couple different things. First, my boyfriend tried to eat a lot of pineapples and strawberries. This supposedly makes your cum taste like fruity pebbles or something. But contrary to what the internet says, it did not make much of a difference. (Maybe he has extra-potent cum? For my future’s sake, I sincerely hope not.)

The second thing we tried was this product called Masque Sexual Flavors. It’s like a Listerine strip that you put on your tongue, except instead of making your breath smell minty, it gives your BF’s jizz a rock candy flavor. The watermelon one made my guy’s dick taste like an Airhead. Where were these things back in the day when I was crushing dudes’ self-esteem by grimacing at their schlongs?

As well as Masque worked, I don’t plan on carrying a pack of flavor strips around for every occasion. So I searched for other ways to sweeten the deal. Most sites I checked suggested that men cut out red meat and beer to make their jizz taste better—which clearly says to me that I should just become a lesbian, because there is no way my man is going to do that anytime soon.

Through all of my research on jizz, however, I did find a few benefits to sucking down semen that I wasn’t aware of. Eating sperm can actually reduce anxiety and improve your memory. At least now I know that when I am gagging on dead babies, I am actually becoming a better person.

More on splooge:

If You Build It, They Will Cum  

Cum Vs Moisturizer  

Meet the Nieratkos - Cupful of Cum