In the past year or so my home state of New Jersey has become a punchline for reality TV. It’s quite sad to me. People have always had their jokes about Jersey with all its visible refineries and landfills along the stretch of highway outside Newark Airport, or its trapped-in-time stone-washed, 80s high-haired and low-expectations ladies or how it serves as merely a gateway between NYC and Philadelphia since 1867 and all of that is fine and true. I’ve laughed along with those jokes all my life while always waving a flag of state pride, but this recent rash of greasy, fist-pumping pieces of shit and the whores they violate should not be lumped in with the rest of Jersey. That level of scum that washes up on our shores each summer is from Staten Island, NY, home of the only landfill on Earth big enough to be seen from outer space.

That lot have made people forget how amazing and lush a state New Jersey is. I’m on a crusade to correct that.

Lonnie wears his own size 54-waist shorts, Chocolate hat by New Era

This is my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonnie. He is the best. He loves the Three Stooges, Superman and The Beatles. Lately he’s been having a rough go of it with a series of recurring seizures. He has a mouth like a sailor. After I snapped this shot he told me to, “Go fuck your shit!” I love Lonald!

Chris wears sunglasses and shirt by Vans, apron by Santa Cruz, grill by Jenn Air, burgers from heaven 

When we bought our house I told my wife the only thing I need is a big grill. I don’t like leaving the house anymore after seeing the level of human pollution that has invaded my state. Chances are, winter, spring, summer and fall you can find me out back playing with my grill.

All three young men wear shirts by NJSkateshop.com 

The one on the left is Ryan; this is the first time I’ve ever seen him wear a shirt. He works at our skateshop and he’d always come to work without a shirt. He said “The Situation” has played out his shirtless steez and he’s got no choice but to start wearing shirts again. On the right is Chris Sarte. He had half his face eaten off by a dog. He wears a size 4 men’s shoe, it’s weird. 

Chris Sarte wears glasses by Oakley, shirt by Volcom; Black Chris wears shirt by Insight; Ryan Burge wears jeans by Volcom; Nine-Toe Joe wears hat by 10Deep, glasses by Rayban, shirt by Expedition, watch by G-Shock

Nine-Toe Joe got his toe ripped off riding dirt bikes. I’m not sure how that happens when you’re wearing shoes. He’s told me the story a bunch of times but I don’t really pay much attention, I just like that he’s missing a toe. I like to roll with mutants. I bought this 1960 Cadillac DeVille off eBay for my wedding in 2006. 

Matt Daniels wears glasses by Vans, shirt and shorts by Altamont, shoes by Cons

Just out my mother’s kitchen window you can see a deceptively pretty green mountain. People always wonder what it is. “That’s Edgeboro Landfill,” I tell them. And every morning and every night it kicks up the smell of something awful. When I was a kid someone spraypainted the words, “I Ski’d Mt. Edgeboro.” I thought that was pretty funny.

Nine-Toe Joe wears glasses by Oakley, shirt and shorts by 10Deep, shoes by Nike SB; Ryan wears glasses by Oakley, glove by Greneade, trousers by Altamont, shoes by Nike SB; Chris Sarte wears hat by Insight, shirt by NJSkateshop.com, trousers by Nike SB, shoes by Vans, watch by G-Shock; Black Chris wears helmet by Pro Tec, shirt by NJSkateshop.com, trousers by Vans, shoes by Etnies

This is part of my motley crew of young men that keep me young. They ring my doorbell at all hours of the day and night, despite knowing I have an infant child, so they can skate the various benches, boxes, ramps and polejams I keep in my garage. The two on the right are both named Chris. I try to exclusively associate with people named Chris. 

Black Chris wears hat and shirt by NJSkateshop.com, trousers by Volcom, glasses, shoes and belt by Vans

This is my good friend Chris. New Jersey is called the Garden State and produces most of the East Coast’s tomatoes, corn, peaches, strawberries and other key fruits and vegetables. After we shot this photo Chris turned to me and said, “Did you hear that? Somewhere my mom is crying right now.” 

Mommy is wearing shirt by Stussy; baby is wearing nappies by Pampers

New Jersey is one of very few places on Earth called New Jersey where you can be on the beach, a farm, or a mountain by driving an hour in any direction. This is a quick getaway to the mountains for my wife Cris’ 35th birthday. Here she is with my son, who’s also called Chris.

Azrael is wearing shirt by Element

Thomas Edison held a world-record 1,093 patents. Some of his bigger hits were the light bulb and the phonograph. He’s from Menlo Park, NJ. I believe they built this diner in his honour so fat people everywhere can stay fat.

Azrael is wearing underwear by American Apparel 

That interlocking N and J logo got NJ Skateshop and me and my partner Steve Lenardo sued by Major League Baseball. As a result… I fucking hate baseball. But I’ll always love New Jersey.