Every month we get at least three of these things. What do you want us to do? Make a joke about kids doing crack? Kids do crack all the time. In Tampa it’s commonplace for middle-class 13-year-olds to hop their bikes, ride downtown, score a rock and spend the rest of the day making jumps and doing wheelies with so much courage and focus they make Evel Knievel look like a lazy fag.
Please stop sending us these.
If you want to have the power to bring any girl in the world home with you, don’t worry about being smart or funny or even attractive. All you need is an eight ball at your house. If you’re smart you won’t soften yourself by getting high on your own supply, and if you’re a fucking genius you’ll buy this cologne, throw out the cologne, and keep your blow in the box.
If Canadian girls and fat chicks are going to cut themselves, there’s nothing we can do to stop them. They want attention and they’re going to get it even if they have to bite themselves. So, in the same spirit as free methadone programs, the people at Kabuki Shikoro have invented a safe and hygienic way to put little slits on your forearms where everyone can see them.
SERIAL KILLER DOLLS
Q:Which one of these guys is worse: Donald Rumsfeld, George Bush, or
’s Patrick Bateman?
The way we do heroin is bad and everything, but what if you’re a zillionaire with a special guy hired to regulate your amounts and make sure you never OD? Is it still bad for you? And even if there are some bad side effects, isn’t living a life totally free of stress so healthy that it outweighs that? And if this question were cologne, what would it smell like?
East Indians weren’t cool in the 80s when they first got here, but thanks to exciting Pakistanis like Ali G, Apache Indian, Panjabi-MC, MIA, Asian Dub Foundation, Cornershop, Talvin Singh, Firdaus Kanga, and Suroosh Alvi, it’s finally becoming the kind of thing that makes people feel cool about their belts.
BIN LADEN MATRYOSHKA DOLLS
One of the best things about this setup is that it implies we are only dealing with one man and once we crush him all our enemies—even ones that have already been dead for 17 years—will cease to exist.
It’s great having Misshapes DJ your party, but they’re getting so huge now their rider is becoming ridiculous. Things like “No brown M&Ms,” and “Two pairs of underwear each that reflect who we are,” have forced companies like Fruit of the Loom to make entire collections to meet the demand.
NOKIA CELL PHONE
This phone rules. You can send MP3s to your friend wirelessly. You can watch videos and even make some of your own. You can even talk on it! All you have to do is pay Nokia about $800 and go to a seminar where they try to explain to you how to use the fucking thing.
CUPID BOY UNDIES
Er, it’s totally mom-ish to get worked up over the sexualization of kids, but making leopard-print briefs and devoting them to both boys and a Roman god that helps people make love is enough to make even Gary Glitter uncomfortable.
BIRKENSTOCK ROLLER SKATES
Freaking everyone out by putting on a Japanese puke porn DVD is fucking juvenile. You’re a grown-up now, so slide out into the living room in these puppies and casually ask if anyone needs another beer. It gives people such a visceral feeling of pure nausea you feel like human Ipecac.
WHISKEY DAVID: RUSTY ROCK
Regular readers of our six-times-a-day updated blog at viceland.com may have already seen and heard this, but it’s so good we don’t want anybody to miss out. Matt Sweeney first played us this record last September at Gavin’s wedding / three day stag night. We think it was about day three and a half or something and we felt a little bit giddy so when this mixture of AC / DC, Rod Stewart, GG Allin and Oasis suddenly started playing over the speakers everybody went crazy. Easily one of the best obscure records we’ve ever heard (try Googling it), this was released by a Spanish disco label in 1975 and is hands-down the best drunken party record we’ve heard in years. Check on viceland.com and our blog archives to hear one of the best songs here. It’s called “Whiskey”. Did we mention that our blog is updated six times a day and has more extras and movies than you can shake a shitty stick at?
This month’s winner: COCAINE