Photo by bradleypjohnson, via Flickr
It's ridiculous for a guy to even try to fake an orgasm. I mean, there’s hard fucking evidence of a dude’s climax, making it mind-numbingly obvious when he doesn’t. I’ve caught one man attempting to fake an orgasm in my life, and it was probably the darkest sexual experiences I’ve ever had. He was a guy who struggled to become and stay aroused, and I think in an attempt to impress me or assert his virility or something, he pretended to cum during a love-making session after weeks of us having unfruitful sex. I was suspicious from the outset, given his dick wasn’t all the way hard, and he was so dramatic with the noise making. It felt forced.
Because I am a psychopath who likes crime shows, I foraged through the trash looking for the used condom after he fell asleep. And once I found in the darkness, I stuck my finger inside to see if it contained the requisite man juices. Nada. Although I did feel pretty chuffed imagining myself as the foxy, not-afraid-to-get-her-hands-dirty star of my own sexy cop drama, SSI: Sex Scene Investigation. Sexy case closed!
I guess dudes probably fake orgasms for different reasons than women—women often fake orgasms to reward the man pummeling them, or to end unsatisfactory sex. I think maybe men fake orgasms in order to prove something to themselves and to the woman they’re doing it to. I guess there’s a whole other examination about how the fake orgasm shows the expected passivity of women and the activity of men (or to quote critic John Berger, the way “men act and women appear”) in society, but you came here today for the practical not the psychoanalytic. So if you are a whiskey-dicked conqurer or just a dude who has a hard time bringing it home, here are some tips about faking the big-O.
Wear A Condom
I know what you’re saying, “This shit happened on Friends. Monica totally thought Chandler made a baby insider her, but then he was like ‘Nah, I was faking it.’” But I am here to tell you, as a non-PG sitcom character, that Monica is an idiot. Even a day after protectionless intercourse, cum drips out of a vagina hole. No woman will believe you shot your load inside of her without physical evidence of that load. It’s just too easy to detect. In fact, if there’s a whole bunch of it, you can push it out in disgusting little globs if you strain a little bit opening a jar or taking a poop. So it’s going to be a big giveaway if you claim you’ve cum in a girl and there’s absolutely no wheatpaste snaking down her leg or raining in droplets when she finally stands up.
Don’t Over Dramatize
Traditionally, or at least in my experience, men are not very good at lying. Likewise, male perception is often a little bit skewed by their man brains, so what they think they’re doing is not actually what they’re doing at all. Case in point was my own experience with a guy who’d never let out so much as a barely audible gasp during sex, started yelling in my face while shamming a climax. Don’t do anything over the top, unless that's your regular style. Girls are basically sitting around just looking for reasons to get pissed off at you or catch you out about something or anything, really, so don’t make it any easier for them than it already is.
Or Do, What Do I Know
I’ve been with a few guys in my time whose cum faces are so hilariously funny I’ve had to concentrate, very hard, on not laughing at their moment of completion. This isn’t an indictment on guys or cum faces—I’m sure mine is just as fucking absurd—but sex is an inherently ridiculous act when you think about it, so you might as well use it to your advantage and pull some silly faces. If the girl beneath you is putting all her effort into trying not to offend you by bursting into laughter, chances are she’s not going to catch on to the shenanigans. Joke’s on her!
If You Can, Turn The Lights Off
But like, right off. Make it so dark you can’t see your own dick. Because when you take that condom off, you don’t want her to get an accidental glimpse of the empty receptacle. Nor do you want her to see that there’s none of that weird oozy post-cum leaking out afterwards. Plus in the darkness, your mind can wander into different realms, and maybe the fugue state of sensory depravation you’ll pop out a real one.
Go Down On Her Immediately
Like all magic and trick-of-the-eye illusions, faking an orgasm could benefit from some expert misdirection. It’s all well and good to pull off the physical faces and moves or whatever, but when it comes down to it, you simply do not want Detective Girl You’ve Just Fucked to notice that there’s not actually any cum in her bucket. If, after your pretend cum, you immediately go down on her, if you’re half good she’ll be driven to distraction and probably even forget you had sex in the first place on account of all the amazing pussy eating.
Pocket The Condom
If she’s suspicious and even a little bit crazy (I think I’ve just described just about every human, let alone woman, who has ever lived), she’s going to go looking for that condom post-coitus, and you do not want her to find it. She’s going to think you’re a fucking freak for taking the condom with you (it’s a total throwback to being a paranoid teenager), but not as much of a freak as she’s going to think you are when she figures out you faked an orgasm.
Keep Some Glue On Hand
The only thing I can think of that looks like cum is glue. Clag, a brand that we used in Australia, has that that pearl-like opacity and runniness that’s perfect for grand-schoolers to stick construction paper together, and it sort of dries flaky as well. Also, there’s an onomatopoeic quality of its name that makes me thing clag is a better word than semen or cum. If your hand is quicker than her eye, or if you can turn your back and hunch over the side of the bed while you take the condom off, you can furtively chuck a few drops in the rubber and throw it in the trash and relax. No big deal: you just tried to pass of glue as cum. You are a totally normal person.