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The 80s Issue

Ask The Farm

There sure seems to be a hell of a lot of retards out where you are. I’ve been there. You can’t go through the local town without seeing at least one.
VICE Staff
Κείμενο VICE Staff

No offense, but who do you talk to out there?
What do you mean? Well, you seem to have a half-decent IQ and you live out in the middle of rural Canada. They’re all hillbilly inbreds out there. Who do you talk to?
I think you’re talking about rich vs. poor, not urban vs. rural. There are just as many idiots in inner-city slums. I don’t know about that. There sure seems to be a hell of a lot of retards out where you are. I’ve been there. You can’t go through the local town without seeing at least one.
Well, this is the year 2002. I have Internet access and long-distance telephone plans so I can talk to whoever I want to. If you are asking who, locally, I talk to I would say I talk to just about anyone but, like anywhere, you cannot discuss just any topic at all. There are restrictions just like anywhere else. Oh c’mon.
There are one or two people out here who seem a little sub-par. Is that from inbreeding?
Occasionally. It’s hard here. The few jobs you can get pay incredibly badly. The land itself is hard to farm (not that anyone knows how to subsistence farm anymore) so the only way to survive is on some form of social assistance. Basically, if anyone has even one ambitious bone in their body they go off to the nearest city. Families tend to “run out” and the less capable and unambitious stick around. That means that the pioneer families that are still around seem predisposed to unremarkable lives. But it’s inbreeding too, right?
Maybe. Like what? You ever see a guy with three eyes or something?
I see a lot of people with problems. There are these guys that hang out at the town’s restaurant who, despite having beards and cars, are essentially five-year-old kids. It spoils your appetite when they get in your face. Must have been a lot worse in the old days.
Well, you could argue that the standard of living was better then. Everyone lived off the land. They never had any money to lose in the first place so, for example, the Depression was no big deal to them. But yeah, there were some freaks. There’s a story that’s been going around since the 30s about a feral child that was covered in hair and used to run through the cutover like a rabid bear. Anything from like, now?
Yes. There’s a couple around here that are cousins. Now, you understand that when cousins marry around here it’s cousins marrying cousins marrying cousins and so on for generations. It’s much more serious than, say, you marrying your cousin. My cousin’s hot.
So, this couple had seven kids and I’d say only one of them is in good health. Three have multiple sclerosis, one is a dwarf— What about parents doing it with their kids?
Funny you mention that. On my farm, in the 50s, there was a guy who lived here and every winter he’d go out into the woods to trap. Eventually, when his eldest daughter was fourteen she started to go trap with him. As luck would have it, one year she comes back and she’s pregnant. The kid that resulted grew up thinking his aunts and uncles were his siblings. When he eventually found out that his sister was really his mother he went nuts and left town. Wow. Are you worried about any of them reading this and coming to get you, like Children of the Corn or something?
They tend not to have subscriptions to VICE. You sound a bit pissed off.
People are always interested in hearing about inbreeding because it makes them feel superior. The fact is, the isolation that produced it is no longer an issue. The urban baby boomers are retiring and will soon be the majority of residents around here. Also, bear in mind that we have really only been an urban society for one or two generations. Almost anyone alive today has some connections to the family farm or to a shit-assed village in the old country. Despite the romantic notions or denial we have, you can be sure that the same shit was going down in all our families only a few generations ago. The immigrants that came to North America were the lowest, most inbred classes of Europe. I’m sure the snot hung down to their knees when most of these cross-eyed, disease-ridden rejects boarded the boats. All right, all right, take it easy.