This story is over 5 years old.

The Iraq Issue 2002

Death to the Nerds

Goddammit, nerds. What have you done? You've ruined everything.

Goddammit, nerds. What have you done? You’ve ruined everything. We tried to give you a hand. We reached out into the creek that runs through the high school and we pulled your drenched pants out of the water. We picked your glasses out of the garbage and handed them back to you. We even listened to your bullshit about outer space, and what do you fucking do? You fucking nerds. You shit on us.

From controlling the economy with Bill Gates to controlling our entertainment with Lara Croft, we gave you the world and you fucking rubbed it between your never-been-wedgied asscheeks and threw it right back in our face.


I guess we thought it was subversive. We liked the idea of pissing off the jocks by inviting you to parties, but we should have known it wouldn’t work (P.S. when you drank too much and yelled “I love Liz!” and ran out and then came back three hours later all covered in puke we were like, “What would he do if he ever fucking got Liz, anyway? Lay on her and cry?”).

Back in the good old days, when making your lives hell was an art form, our forefathers carefully lifted your underwear out of the back of your pants and tried to get the waistband over your head without ripping anything. Back then you knew your place. That generation of nerds grew up to build the XM-1 tank — the most invincible tank on earth — and they were happy with that.

We decided to be nicer and gave you kudos with things like Square Pegs, then Revenge of the Nerds, then Weird Science, then Sixteen Candles, then Freaks and Geeks, and we got you into Hollywood and you fucking make movies about video games with huge-breasted übervixens?

And how’s this for a true fact?

A. Nerds (Craig McCracken et all) made The Powerpuff Girls movie.

B. Nerds are so intimidated by girls (even baby girls) that they thought it would make perfect sense to have the heroines destroy cities and rip the bleeding heads off of monsters the whole time.

C. The result? A whole theater of five-year-old girls bawling their eyes out in fear.

Well guess what, nerds? Fuck you. Fuck fucking you. We are going to tape your buns together so tight that we’ll get muscles doing it. We are going to rip your underwear off so hard … we’re going to rip it right off and whip it down the street. And your glasses. They’re going to basically become powder. We are going to pop all your zits and eat the pus. You thought the ’50s were bad? This is going to be some psycho shit. You just try to come to school with shotguns. We’ll be hiding on the ceilings all commando-style and then PAM! just come down on you and … fucking … eat your face right off. You’re going to be watching us eat it with your bugged-out skeleton eyeballs and your exposed teeth and you’re going to be all, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!”

You are so dead.

Nerds (above) by Spencer Sweeney courtesy of Gavin Brown.