The VICE Guide to Voting - High-Class Whores

PROSTITUTION. A vocation as old as politics and half as dirty. Professional ladies and fancy gents have been taking it for cash long before Obama and Romney were shaking hands and kissing babies. If this election is about redefining social order, our nation's hookers are on the front line along with women, teachers, old people, and gays. However, piddling things like women's rights and affordable health care may be the least of your worries once you're raking it in. If you're an enterprising enough of a sex worker to bust through the middle class with over $250,000 in take-home cash, this guide is for you.

ISSUE: SMALL BUSINESS

As any entrepreneur will tell you, living above the family store is no easy feat. You're up to your ass in cock before you even consider maintaining relationships with partners and subsidiaries, improving your online presence on fuck sites, allocating funds for security and travel, navigating complex "leisure services" tax code, and putting aside emergency funds for when Officer Fuckhead throws you in County.

Romney supports a cut in corporate taxes from 35 to 25 percent, which would save your booming business a bundle on Tax Day, but he also encourages trade with Asian companies, severely diluting your market with Thai ladyboys. Obama would cut the corporate tax rate too, but he also wants to set up an infrastructure bank that would use public and private capital to fund small business projects. This promise sounds like weird political magic. If it's true, it should finally get your commercial-grade fuckswing plans off the ground. ROMNEY: 1 OBAMA: .5

ISSUE: HEALTH CARE

The free clinic and its fishbowl of condoms are fine for everyday use, but in an after-hours ER situation, you're going to be more interested in full coverage. Obama's aggressive on expanding Medicaid, which unfortunately doesn't apply to your lofty income. Treat yourself to an individual health care plan, and you'll get access to those sweet mammograms that all prostitutes love.

Romney would end some crucial preventive services covered by insurers, but that's a financial concern that should worry only the two-bit whores, not you. He also claims that individuals buying health insurance will get a tax break, but there's no word on if it will cancel out your preexisting condition premium jump thanks to the Summer of Crabs. Lastly, he wants to give states responsibility for "dealing with the uninsured," which means, depending on your home state and your current and former health, you might need to learn how to bite a wallet and lay the stitches in yourself. ROMNEY: .5 OBAMA: 1

ISSUE: WOMEN'S RIGHTS

Despite Obama signing the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act in 2009, women still earn 77 cents to the man's dollar for the same experience and work. That means that Lips Erique is making $120 extra on a suck and fuck, every time, even though he is a nasty trick and everybody knows it.

And of course there’s abortion, an issue close to whore and co-ed alike. You're wealthy enough to have the means to afford the contraception and condoms to prevent unwanted pregnancy, regardless of what happens on shift. Romney allows for abortion in the case of rape, though his reject Men's Warehouse VP pick hasn't felt the same way in the past. The GOP is rife with those little assholes, but they get extra credit for tipping well when the cameras are off.

Truth is, neither party has much by way of a support network for trade whores; for that, you'll have to go with the Libertarian, Gary Johnson, who is also your guy if you LOVE guns. ROMNEY: .5 OBAMA: 1 GARY JOHNSON: 2

FINAL TALLY: ROMNEY: 2, OBAMA 2.5, GARY JOHNSON: 2

Surprising findings for your wealthy prostitute vote: It's politics as usual between the major parties, and you're about as likely to get a hooker-friendly Johnson in office as you are to get the prick on your couch to pay rent or get out. Voting on women's issues isn't as straight- forward as you might think once you're raking in the dough. Still, anyone with a heart of gold who doesn't keep that heart in a safe deposit box has got to feel some empathy for the five-dollar girls behind the Dairy Queen. We're calling it OBAMA by a nose up the ass. Stay safe out there, ladies.

@GrayAmelia