Pikahsso Is Butt-Hurt Because I Said His Music Is Shitty

You know you've really made it when two middle-aged, no-style-having, roach-resembling, halitosis-huffing, salt-and-pepper-goateed geezers named Pikahsso and Tahiti write a rap song about you. Apparently these so-called MCs are butt-hurt that their only claim to fame is that I fucked them in their shitty asses with words. In reality, they should be thanking me—my negative review of their awful music got them more hits than their entire YouTube catalog.

Let's backtrack a second for those of you who missed it: "VICE Grips" (what does that even mean?) is the byproduct of  a mean little post about the many terrible (and few good) songs that were inspired by the Trayvon Martin tragedy. I'm certain quite a few soft-ass rappers got upset about it. I would have too if I was dumb enough to think that writing a song about an important, topical issue automatically makes its creator immune to criticism, or makes them a good rapper. This assumption, of course, is wrong, dickheads. Good intentions and political awareness might make you a respectable citizen, but they damn sure don't make you the next Tupac.

But honestly, I almost feel bad calling out Pikahsso & Tahiti (name which, by the way, sounds like terrible drinks at a third-rate tiki bar), because I can tell that they are, like, really serious about hip-hop and promoting a positive message. Just look at this video below where the ugliest one of the two, Pikahsso, shows us what he can do with his lips (the leather-clad boys at the Eagle just love this trick):

I also feel bad because they are both in their 40s, and thinking about two middle-aged men pooping out unwatched videos of bad rap songs on YouTube is just depressing. According to his Facebook, Tahiti's only real job in the 40-plus years of his life was washing dishes at McDonalds, which he started doing one year after I was born. I really hope this hip-hop thing works out for him, but seeing as how he's middle-aged and no one knows who the fuck he is, his chances look pretty bleak. Looks like he might need to get back in the grease kitchen if he wants to eat. Maybe he can get a job at VICE washing dishes? We make quite a mess during lunch time.

What's a bit creepy about the duo's "VICE GRIPS" nonsense is that it covers a ton of true stuff about me, like how my armpits smell bad and how I'm a HUGE PAWN FOR THE WHITE MAN, being that I'm one of the rare black male journalists working at a major media company, reporting on issues that impact blacks such as the serious coverage I've done on the Trayvon Martin shooting, the racial issue behind last year's UK Riots, or the plight of poor blacks in my hometown.

Pikahsso & Tahiti, on the other hand, are responsible for bringing these bright beacons of social consciousness and empowerment to the masses:

I wouldn't normally write something about a piss-poor YouTube diss, primarily because I'm not into promoting shitty bands and I know they made the song specifically so that I would (once again) expose a wider audience to their doodoo-coated muzac. But I felt I had to say something because I kind of feel cheated. I mean, Biggie got Tupac's "Hit 'Em Up," Eazy-E got Dre and Snoop's "Fuck wit Dre Day," and Jay-Z got Nas's "Ether." Why can't I get just a halfway decent diss?

So I am making an invitation to all would-be rappers out there who read VICE and want to make a diss song all about ME, "the hipster Pierre Delacroix." At the end of the month I'll make a blog post compiling all the disses I received, and I will write an album (or mixtape) review for the print magazine and Q&A for the blog concerning the group that I felt came up with the best diss record. FUCK Y'ALL!

You can email your disses to Wilbert.Cooper@VICE.com or post them in the comments section of this article. 

Follow Wilbert L. Cooper on Twitter: @WilbertLCooper