Girl Eats Food - Student Banquet Special

The other day, Joanna Fuertes-Knight came to the office and started bitching at me: "Why didn’t you use my fucking Girl Eats Food Student Special?" she said. "I stayed up half the night making all those achievably aspirational recipes, innit?" I looked down the back of my laptop, and there they were, neglected since September. I’m sorry Jo, I’m sorry VICE.com readers. Here’s your Girl Eats Food Student Special (two months late). Girl Eats Food: Student Special

Everyone knows that college means a jillion pounds worth of debt and an inexplicable sense that some cramming and a patchy attendance record entitles you to your dream career. But, people are often naïve to the fact that it can also mean excellent kitchen skills.   For most people, college will be the first time they’re starved of mother’s cooking. So to stop you from slipping into a diet of caffeine pills and free burger sauce samples, here are three training-bra level recipes that require minimal skill, patience or money. Just think; one day you’ll be able to reel them off at a 17-year-old intern, along with your kray-kray Freshers Week anecdotes when you’re stuck in a shitty social media job. Student Recipe #1: Monte Cristo A Monte Cristo totally sounds like something that should be fed to you from a fencing sword by a 19th century Parisienne prostitute. Disappointingly it’s just a glorified grilled cheese sandwich… but with jam! Just like a seasoned Fronsh gourmand, living off this sweet’n’salty snack will have you needing glycerin suppositories in no time. Ingredients 2 x slices of white bread
2 x reconstituted turkey slices
2 x slices of bendy cheese
1 x egg
spoonful of jam Step 1.

Make a sandwich. That’s when you put food that’s not bread in between two bits of bread. You know, like at Pret. Step 2.

Bathe the whole thing in whisked and seasoned egg. Perhaps don’t let anyone else see your meal at this point in its development; it looks pretty gross. Step 3.

Here’s the science bit: Smush down your wet pile with a hot iron until it goes from beige to golden. Step 4.

A good quality iron can become your best friend in the kitchen. Yeah, it gets covered in gloop, but let’s face it, you sure as shit won’t ever be needing it to smarten up any job interview outfits, will you? ZING! God, it’s like Mock the Week over here.

Step 5.

Hack that baby in half with some scissors and serve with a side of dipping jam. Student Recipe #2: Berodka Jelly Shots University life is demanding. On the one hand there’s that degree thingy you have to study for, on the other is all the competitive binge drinking. So how do you stay bright-eyed and successful without missing out on all the peer pressure alcoholism? Berodka is how. Way more convenient than a charcoal stomach pump, pimping out classic vodka jelly with the magical, multi-vitamin elixir Berocca will probably cancel out any long-term liver damage and you won’t have to pussy out of doing shots. Ingredients 1 x sachet of gelatine
1 x hot water
1 x cup Berocca
1 x cup of vodka Step 1.

Melt the gelatine in boiling hot water, and then stir in your luminous vitamin piss. Step 2.

Wait for the orange slurry to cool before you add the vodka, you don’t want to burn off all the alcohol. That would really defeat the point. You might as well just eat an orange. Step 3.

Leave the mix to chill in matching shot glasses. Once set, garnish with chewable zinc tablets. Easy, huh? Student Recipe #3: Chocolate Mug Cake I stole this recipe off Facebook, where its ‘Likes’ are almost entirely from pudgy girls with profile photos taken from MySpace angles (myself included). It may not be patisserie level baking, but once you’re making cake for one in a microwave, there’s no room for snootiness. Ingredients 4 x tablespoons of flour
4 x tablespoons of sugar
2 x tablespoons of cocoa
1 x egg
3 x tablespoons of milk
3 x tablespoons of oil
1 x teaspoon of vanilla extract Step 1.

Dump everything in a jumbo mug and stir thoroughly into a dark sludge. Step 2.

Cook for three minutes in the microwave on high. Seriously that’s it. Step 3.

It was meant to explode like that… shut up. Top with sprinkles and if you’re feeling extra flossy, maybe you can bin the mug after and save on washing up? Holy shit, I have dead pets that could follow that recipe. So, there you have it. Congratulations on pretty much making a Tudor banquet in under an hour and you didn’t even have to figure out how to turn the oven on.