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The VICE Guide to Parenting

The Rules to Naming a Baby

Don’t name them Benjamin. THAT’S MY NAME! I OWN IT!
Κείμενο Benjamin Korman

Choosing a name for your new baby is tough. Making the right choice is of dire importance for your child; a poorly chosen name will haunt them for their entire life. Here’s a handy how-to guide for responsibly naming your child:

- Is your child a girl? Name her “Megan.”

- Is it a bouncing baby boy? Name him “Matthew.” “Matthew” is the “Megan” of boy names.

If for some reason you aren’t satisfied with the above process (re: you’re a fucking moron) here are a few bonus tips for finding your child the perfect name:


- Are you religious? Give your child a traditional religious name, like “God,” or “The Pope,” or “Satan.”

- Write one hundred of your favorite names on slips of paper and scatter the slips over the floor of your home. When your baby is old enough to crawl, place him or her on the ground and see which piece of paper it chooses. Then name it “Megan.”

 - Resist the urge to name your child after the place where it was conceived. It might produce a few sweet, quirky names like “Paris” or “Boston, but if it catches on, half the kids in Georgia will be named “Waffle House Parking Lot.”

- I liked The Hunger Games as much as the next guy, but if you plan on naming your kid “Katniss” or “Peeta,” here’s a word of advice: the world doesn’t need you or your stupid fucking baby.

- Cash in! A “personal endorsement” baby name is like a billboard that never gets torn down (until it dies), and your kid’s popularity will soar! Who wouldn’t want to be friends with “Monster Energy Drink” Himmelfarb, or “Toyota Scion FR-S” Hamilton-Walters? There is a downside to this method, though—just ask fourteen-year old Enron World Trade Center Bank of America Stevenson.

- If your male son seems like he might be gay, name him “David.” C’mon, I can’t seriously be the only one who’s noticed that!

- Are you lazy? Take your own name and tack a “Jr.” on the end. You’re done, you lazy bitch! Naptime!

- Don’t name them Benjamin. THAT’S MY NAME! I OWN IT!