Meth Heads I’d Like to See on 'Breaking Bad' This Season

If you aren’t sure how television shows go from an idea to your screen, all you need to know is that most start with a pitch meeting. Pitch meetings are attended by agents, writers, executives, and other powerful people who are usually white. The creative team tells the money people why a show should be made, who is going to write and direct it, and why it’s viable. The people with the money then change it, usually make it shittier, and then a bunch of boring stuff happens until they have a pilot or some episodes in the can.

Breaking Bad’s fifth season is premiering tonight on AMC. The premise of the show, if you’re unfamiliar, is simple: A white school teacher named Walter White gets cancer and due to the cost of medical care starts making meth amphetamine with a tattooed wigger that he used to teach. The reason this show made it out of a pitch meeting is a no-brainer, as it’s basically a liberal’s wet dream. It’s a screaming endorsement for affordable, comprehensive health care that Obamacare lovers can use to debate morality and blog about weekly.

Breaking Bad appeals to people, not just white people, in the way the movie Falling Down and other classic “pushed-too-far” narratives work. The writing, acting, and cinematography are all phenomenal, but if the show were about a black teacher who turns to drug-dealing to pay the bills you can be fairly sure the guy in front of you taking too long to put soy milk in his Stumptown coffee wouldn’t be as compelled by it. Now you can see how Breaking Bad made it out of the pitch meeting and why BET was started, right?

Walter White and Breaking Bad return after a dramatic finale where Walt poisoned a child and used an old guy to suicide bomb his nemesis, Gus. The last episode was so good that no one really cared how shitty it looked when Gus was standing there all blown up like the Terminator before fixing his tie and falling dead. Knowing that the show will be ending in 18 episodes is getting fans as anxious as they were when they realized the Sopranos was actually kind of boring, everyone in the Wire was fucked up, and the shitheads who wrote Lost had no clue what the fuck they were doing. Media is driven by shows with finales so they can have an opinion about them, drive traffic, report to their advertisers, and compete to be the one voice that understands the parallels between art and real life.

I'm not overly concerned with the plot lines, resolution, or social commentary Breaking Bad's last episodes will undoubtedly cause. In fact, I'm more curious who’s possibly making a cameo this season. Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan’s inclusion of Bob Odenkirk as slippery lawyer Saul Goodman (get that? white person named GOODman) was a masterstroke that not only spoke to a Mr. Show-loving demographic, it enhanced the show’s inherent humor.

I hear Tina Fey will make an appearance sometime this season, which is as exciting as listening to someone talk about where the food you are about to eat was sourced. It’d be far superior to include people who’ve had some sort of history with meth, or at least seem like they could. Here’s who I’d like to see on Breaking Bad this season:

Eddie Van Halen

Missing part of his tongue but none of his chops, Eddie could be a convincing washed-up meth head, posted up in a dirty apartment fumbling through a solo on a guitar he refuses to pawn. Maybe he doesn’t even have any actual lines and just responds to everyone in riff.

“You wanna answer the door, man?”

Eddie grabs guitar and rips a hot lick.

“Fine, I’LL get it!”

A backup role could just be casting him as Walter Jr.’s guitar teacher, which would be worth it just to hear him say, “Hey dad, wanna hear me play ‘Smoke On The Water’ later, I know the whole thing,” only to be snubbed by a preoccupied Walt.

Andre Aggasi

Andre once had flowing locks, a neon pink signature shoe, and was married to Brooke Shields’ eyebrows. It was later found out that Andre’s signature tennis mullet was a wig and that he was taking crystal meth during his tennis career.

He’s a tennis player so he’s obviously good at showing his emotions, and he’s mastered the art of crying so he’s a perfect fit for the show. I hate to be so literal again with my casting but can’t you see Walt’s wife Skyler being really fucking bored this season and wanting to take tennis lessons in order to get in shape and feel more attractive? Can you see where this is going? Don’t worry, we’ll get to some extra-marital options for Walt later too.

Brian “Head” Welch

If you aren’t familiar with Brian Welch and his body of work I applaud you. This means you don’t like or know anything about Korn other than that they suck and the singer uses an H.R. Giger-designed mic stand to look evil when he does that scat thing that gives everyone douche chills. He might look like a dick, but that assholely southern California born-again meth addict look is perfect for Breaking Bad.

No one knows what role Jesse Pinkman will have this season—perhaps he’s close to a relapse and hits up a meeting? Guess who can be his nu-metal sponsor to keep him clean? Head and Jesse could hit up the local tattoo parlor for a “Life Is Pain” rocker or maybe check out local band SoL PacH’s gig.

They could also start doing crystal meth again and play Rock Band, giving Head an opportunity to do his signature “crazy” stage moves.

Yasmine Bleeth

When was the last time you thought about Yasmine Bleeth? Probably not since you were a young boy who jerked off to Baywatch, or maybe never because you’re too young to know who she is. Like most celebrities, Yasmine went a little too hard, got into cocaine and meth, and almost lost her nose to gangrene from it all.

Walt’s head is going to be so swollen this season after killing Gus and making good on his threat of being “the one who knocks.” He can’t be flashy with his money, he can’t really do anything that cool with his life at all, but he can meet Yasmine somewhere and be humbled after fumbling with a condom and not being able to get his old dick back up. His Heisenberg alpha male alter ego could crumble, giving way to one of those awkward mumbly lines he ekes out, showing that he’s a true geek.

@anthonypops