I recently got an email from a friend I hadn’t spoken to in many years. I actually nearly forgot we were ever friends because during the time in my life we were friends I was out to lunch on goofballs. His name is Harry Weiss and he has his own porn PR company. Back when I knew him he was with a porn company called VCA and I was pretending to be the managing editor of Big Brother Magazine in my spare time, when not drooling all over myself drunk and on drugs. Back then the smut business was making the transition from VHS to DVD. VHS were becoming obsolete and had basically lost all street value. There was a time when I could trade 20 VHS tapes for a full bottle of rainbow pharmaceuticals. By the time I met Harry that time had long past. I explained to him, in a distressed junkie tone, sweating, hands shaking, “I need the good stuff, Harry. I know you got it. Please. I gotta have it. I NEED DVDs.” He took pity on me and always made sure to bring me DVDs to “review” (i.e. trade for drugs or drug money). Now with a few years of semi-sobriety under my belt I wasn’t sure if I should thank him for all the good times he made possible back then or cuss him out for empowering me. In his email he said he worked for a number of porn companies and could get me tons of DVDs again but the thing that really jumped off the screen was when he told me he could get me sex toys from Pipedream.com. Honestly, we have a closet, basement and attic full of sex toys that people send us that never get taken out the box. Do you want some? Let me know. No, it wasn’t the dildos and dongs and vibrators that Pipe Dream offers that turned me on—it was the for-real sexy TOYS like at Toys R Us. These are just a half dozen amazing items I had never seen before and am happy to have in my life now:
We just got a dog. His name is Benny and he likes to chew things. He is, of course, a dog. He also likes to fetch things. Then he likes to chew the things he fetches. He sleeps in our bed. One time I think he licked my nards while we were making hump. I am thankful he didn’t chew my nards. The thought of Benny fetching and chewing on this tit made me very happy as soon as I saw it.
The Midget Love Doll My friend Jay owns Olde City Tattoo in Philly. He had Bridgette the midget “perform” at his bachelor party in Vegas. I heard one guy shot his stuff in her mouth and then another guy, unknowingly, started making out with her and got a surprise snowball. It would be disgusting to think about if she wasn’t a midget but midgets are awesome. They’re like walking, talking babies.
Seymore Butts’ Ass Tray
GET IT? It’s an ASH tray with an ASS in it! An ASS TRAY! Why do I have to explain everything to you? Get it together, Jenna.
My wife will not get pregnant. I try and I try and it still won’t happen so we have given up and gotten a dog. And for pretend we inflated this pregnant love doll and we’re going to keep hanging around for the next nine months at which time we will go kidnap someone else’s baby. We hope that Benny doesn’t chew the love doll. Or the baby when we steal it.
Sexy Wine Holder
I collect phallic items. They’re all over my house. My friend, Dave, brought me a wooden, hand-carved flute in the shape of a penis from Mexico. I thought nothing would ever top that. Then I saw this fun-for-the-whole-family wine holder and I knew I was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
I have seen wind up dogs that hump ladies. I have seen wind-up Mickey Mouse humping Minnie. I have even seen wind-up priest humping young boy but this is a new one. Wind-up fat, hairy man sucking his own penis. The box reads, “You would if you could.” And it seems the box knows me all too well.