After months of searching and more rejection letters than a goth memoirist, HBO’s training-camp documentary show Hard Knocks has locked down its subject for 2012: the Dolphins. While some in the game say Hard Knocks’s distractions ruin teams’ seasons, that shouldn’t be a problem for the Dolphins, whose season was ruined months ago when their players didn’t magically trade themselves for different, better players.
HBO’s rival Showtime is doing another season of The Franchise, their behind-the-scenes baseball show on the Marlins, the newly rebranded baseball team with a new stadium and a craaaAazy coach. That’s a programming decision that makes sense—the Marlins have star players, a bizarre Thome-run sculpture, and a lot of potential for drama. The Dolphins, on the other hand, have a storied history and ugly colors. They’re guaranteed to win between a handful and half of their games, and it’s sort of bizarre to imagine them being entertaining enough to watch for hours.
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So in the interest of figuring out what the storylines will be, we spoke to fictional newly hired Dolphins beat writer Rex Maule, of the Palm Beach Bathroom Reader about what to expect on the show. Maule was previously a greyhound/civics reporter for the Baltimore Evening Sun.
VICE: So, what’s the main story this preseason?
Rex Maule: According to my sources, the Dolphins are in the midst of an exciting quarterback battle. Matt Moore, who apparently is also a pitcher for the Rays, is going against Frank Tanana for the starting job. My take is, Moore is going to lose the battle since he’s distracted by those shiny baseballs, and the janitor is telling me Tanana is buying all his teammates booze after pushup time or whatever they call it. I’m not up on my lingo yet.
The janitor?
Excuse me, a source. Can we scratch that? Journo code! Anyways, Moore, who per the media guide is a Sagittarius, has anger issues. Anger is, as we know, important for football, and especially quarterbacks, so my prediction is he comes out of camp with the job. I’m also told one of the guys is an alcoholic, but we don’t find out until late in the show. My guess is it’s Moore as well, because of the anger issues.
You were telling me something about a spy earlier?
Oh yeah. After talking to my custodial operations source, whose last name I will not confirm, one thing I’m excited about is the B-story of Richie Incognito, the CIA operative who the Dolphins also employ as an offensive lineman and center. Are those the same thing? I thought center was basketball, but whatever.
The center is a spy?
Oh yeah. Look at his name. Super spy name, real deal shit. Anyways, I’m told that Incognito, codename Friendly Viper, is not entirely happy about his cover being blown by the show, but since signing off on the series was a football operations move, there’s nothing he can do. The 5’6 janitor whose name I won’t divulge said in so many words that Viper has been wearing some sort of fat suit (I’m told it’s a “very fat” suit) since his rookie year for just such an occasion. Football-wise, he’s kind of a nobody, but it’s a good story.
What about management?
Well, I read a Peter King tweet that said Hard Knocks is yet to feature a rookie coach, but that doesn’t sound right. Wasn’t Wade Phillips a rookie coach?
No.
Well, I’ll have to check on that. Doesn’t sound right. Either way, this season has new coach Jim “Don’t call me Regis” Philbin, a former high school principal and competitive bodybuilder who got into coaching football after reading that article in Sports Illustrated about the billionaire coach.
Really?
Yeah, no shit. Phil says he doesn’t even know what a forward pass is.
Phil?
Yeah, my source dude, get with it. Anyways, per Phil, Philbin’s hiring was mostly a publicity move, since the Dolphins basically want to make a Disney movie out of this. He’s super-rich from being a principal, and they think the feel-good story of the retarded rookie coach leading a shitty Dolphins team to the Super Bowl can make the big screen by Q4 2014.
They’re winning the Super Bowl?
Yeah, that was the main thing of HBO’s contract. HBO’s president said, and I quote, “Phil, we’re not about to follow some bullshit .500 team unless you can guarantee me some sort of hardware.” Like eight teams turned them down. But the Dolphins were like, fuck it, we can’t get any worse and got it happening. Don Shula and the commissioner had lunch with HBO and wrote up the contract on a cocktail napkin.
Doesn’t this sort of ruin the season, us knowing they’re going to win?
No, definitely not. Most of the fun is in seeing how they get there. I mean, sure, we know they’re going to win the Super Bowl, and Moore will drink his weight in Wild Turkey, and the team will lose to the Bengals by three touchdowns in November after Incognito gets reassigned to Bolivia, but that’s it. We don’t know the final score or anything. Or even the AFC Championship opponent.
Great point. Any other interesting stuff?
No. This team is pretty much bullshit aside from Reggie Bush. You ever meet him? He’s a great guy. He’s only like 5’3 in real life. It’s weird. He drives a school bus, too.
No shit?
Yeah, it’s real weird. He’s like real bummed about being terrible at football now that he gets officially paid for it. He says the money ruined football and he liked it better when he was compensated under the table. Ever since being dumped by that girl—what’s her name, the butt one—he’s kept a real low profile.
Any other dark shit?
Nah man, this team sucks. I want to get back to dog racing. Those dogs are much nicer.