Through some empirical research, and looking to share some national facts with our colleagues all over the world, we in the VICE Mexico office have concluded that Mexico City is the place with the highest levels of hair gel consumption in the entire world. We’re so damn sure of it, that we challenge anyone to prove us wrong.
We decided to get in touch with one of the most knowledgeable figures on the subject—no, we’re not talking about presidential candidate, Enrique Peña Nieto. One of the most popular brands of the sticky stuff among the gelled Mexicans is Xiomara. When we asked them how much of their product is sold every day in Mexico, their answer left us speechless; Xiomara sells more than seven tons a day, that’s five liters every minute, or 2555 tons a year.
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Xiomara is already being used in America and it will soon reach Panama. We’re talking sticky, shiny heads all the way from Chicago to the Panama Canal. But not all hairdos are the same. Sky’s the limit. Therefore, we give you a brief—but in no way definitive—catalog of Mexican hairdos.
Everyone, or almost everyone, went to elementary school and that’s where this one was born. The taller and firmer, the better. Spiking like this is for five to ten year olds, when you’re still playing with toys.
Spiky taken to the next level. It shows you’ve reached puberty. You’re no longer messing around and you like looking like the boiler just exploded in your face.
Popular in Puebla and Toluca, rancholos usually ride bicycles and definitely don’t wear helmets. There’s not one inch of ungelled hair on their heads. The long fake sideburns make them more aerodynamic.
Pretty ambitious, this structural marvel goes up and down. The upper part is designed to make you notorious, the lower part helps absorb your sweat.
This is for the winners only—the tepichulo, the top dog. Start neighing. All the hotties in town are about to fall for you.
Let’s face it, no one gets younger. This hairdo is what separates “I’m cool, I have a fringe,” from “I’m going grey.” It’s like having a fixed toupee. It’s real popular among forgotten designers with hipster glasses.
Nine-to-fiver’s hairdo of choice. It’s a classic. It’s just a hermetic hairdo all the way to the neck, where you just raise the tips to give it the magic touch. It’s great if you want to feel like you’re the boss, even if you’re not.
Don’t you think it looks like a piece of turd just fell on his head? Just like with the spiky, the taller you make it, the classier the wearer thinks it is. It’s great for dancing like a zombie and trying to intimidate pedestrians.
This is what happens when you have too much free time in middle school and all you do is watch Trainspotting and surf MySpace. You just can’t help but use tons of gel, and then you have to use even more to minimize the damage you just inflicted on your hair.
A divine hairdo. Great if you’re a Christian, like reggaeton, or just want to flirt. The more gel you add, the more it shines.
TEXT: CHRISTIAN SALINAS
