Courtesy of **V Magazine**.
Some guys in the office were perving out over the photos in V Magazine of alabaster-skinned Antipodean Nicole Kidman. She even exposes her booty in them. While I was thinking, "She’s a pretty old chick," her age definitely didn’t bother any of the males in the office, who adhere to that old Aaliyah adage: "Age ain’t nothin’ but a number."
Aaliyah was married at 15 to a much older R. Kelly, so props to her. Most people, no matter what their age, would allow the author of Soulacoaster to touch them with his pissy stick. Other than R. Kelly, who's the oldest person you'd fuck?
VICE: How old would you go?
Mick, 69: I am an old sweetheart, I wouldn’t want a girl older than me.
Saggy tits. I like a peach.
Sweet. Are you single?
Divorced. She didn’t like me smoking weed. I don’t smoke too much, a couple a day. I used to work with a lot of West Indians, see.
Are you on the look out?
No, I just like being on my own. I’d get someone younger, but they’re all on drugs round here.
But, Mike, you just said you... Nevermind.
Mohinder, 24 (left) and Liz, 22.
Liz: Old men just gross me out.
Mohinder: They have flabby skin.
Couldn't you just lay back and think of the money (let's assume that they have loads)?
Liz: I would probably just vomit, like, a granddad on top of you? Ugh. They have liver spots.
Mohinder: Anna-Nicole Smith went out with an old man and he died and left everything to her. I could do that for about a month.
Liz: But isn’t she dead now?
Dave, 25 (left) and Andrew 28.
Andrew: Oh ancient, I don’t care about age. Age is only a number.
Dave: Yeah, it doesn’t matter.
So how old have you gone?
Andrew: I’ve gone old! When I was 18, I rooted this bird who was 50-something.
Dave: The oldest I’ve gone is 37, back when I was 18.
Andrew: I’d do Madonna. Apparently she’s like boning a piece of gristle because she’s so muscly. That’s what Guy Ritchie said.
Oprah looks like she needs a dick.
What's the best thing about older ladies?
Experience. Cougars taught me a lot. Older bitches are easy too.
Yeah, they also usually like anal a lot more.
Hey Ajani, how old would you go?
Ajani, 45: How old are you?
Super-young. I reckon you could be my dad.
I’d go your age.
You can’t. Do you like older women?
No, I like them about your age.
Have you ever been with an older woman?
I’ve been with many women.
I can imagine.
You’re nice, can I have a kiss?
On the cheek... Actually no.
Thea, 19: It depends what they're like. What do you classify as "old"?
How old have you gone?
24 is the oldest, so it’s not that much of a gap.
A millionare, 60 years of age. Would you?
No. Well, actually if they were a multi-millionaire, then I probably could. But I wouldn’t like it [_giggles_].
The money would sweeten the deal, though?
Of course it would.
Are there any old celebrities you fancy?
Johnny Depp, but he’s not that old.
He is quite old.
I still would.
Left to right: Peter, 21, Tansey, 22 and James, 22.
James: Twenty-seven is my oldest. I hate cougars, they’re sad bitches.
Tansey: Peter’s been out with someone old.
Pray tell, Peter.
Peter: He was not that old, he was like 47.
James: That is old, but he was rich.
Peter: Shut up.
Was he a sugar daddy? Be honest?
Peter: He was rich and he would buy me things but that was not the foundation of our relationship.
Tansey: Liar! Peter: OK, it was a factor.
OK, if he wasn’t rich, would you still have gone out with him?
Peter: [mega-long pause] No.
Tansey: You’re such a gold digger. He bought you so much stuff and you didn’t even sleep with him.
How old would you go?
Vincent, 38: Oh, it doesn’t matter as long as they’re fabulous!
Any old dudes you particularly like?
Karl Lagerfeld, Ian McKellan, Elton... They are all fabulous.
I am fucking fabulous.
Previously - Do You Care About the Upcoming Election?