The 2012 NBA Finals start tonight, and as VICE’s Sports Editor, it’s actually my job to tell you who’s going to win, or, failing that, at least give you some insight into the way the Heat will defend the high pick and roll. But guess what? I don’t care about that stuff any more than you do. So instead, I’m going to tell you all about the hair you will see for the next two weeks.
Kevin Durant
Durant is the Thunder’s best player, so the discussion starts with him, though his hair is a simple buzz cut and nothing special. Raja Bell, who is not on the Thunder and is not playing this series, had a live-in barber who just lined up the front of his buzz, and it was worth it. Maybe something for KD to consider? He also favors a wispy mustache/goatee combo that is more of a “I’m 23 and forgot to shave” look than a conscious style choice.
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Russell Westbrook
Westbrook also has a simple allover buzzcut, though his has a slight taper and nears Bell’s laser-precise forehead line in spirit, if not practice. Such an understated cut works well off Westbrook’s pointy face, which is very craggy for such a young man who works indoors. He expresses himself not through his cut, but through his postgame outfits. They are often outstanding, somewhere between House Party 2 and a baby’s pajamas. They’re so gaudy they would make Iris Apfel shake her head in disgust.
Kendrick Perkins
Perkins has a permanently languorous mane and what appears to be a Scott Spiezio tribute goatee. What is going on there? Why is it so long and pointy? Not one of the dozens of reporters who crowd into the locker room after every game have asked him why he is growing such an unconventional beard—coincidence? Conspiracy? You decide.
#TeachTheControversy
James Harden
Except for Harden, the Thunder have boring hair. OKC’s bench stud fields both a wild yet pruned beard that runs high up his cheeks and a semi-Mohawk of matted curls. Neither looks especially good separately, and I’d hesitate to say both work well now, but they might cancel each other out. Harden’s hair might be said to be “Oklahoma cool,” if we want to dredge up that old “press box hot” adage.
Scotty Brooks
Brooks’s wheaten hair has gone through several styles during his tenure as OKC coach, including, but not limited to: wet, grown-out flattop, semi-feathered, Supercuts, and church minister hair.
LeBron James
The “Is LeBron clutch?” debate is over (right?) and was dumb from the start, so let’s move on to a more important argument: Is his hairline receding under his ubiquitous headband? Juvenile thinks so.
Dwyane Wade
What is Miami hair? I’m not sure, and I actually don’t ever want to find out. I assume it is not baseball hair, but it is wet and it has angles. Wade’s hair is none of these things, yet it is perfectly Miami. It should also be noted that Wade’s really a hat guy. What’s he hiding?
Udonis Haslem
When he had cornrows, they were better than Thabo Selofosha’s or Chris Bosh’s. Now Haslem has a baby afro, the kind that radiates a halo. It’s a perfect short and fat orb and the NBA’s best baby-fro since golden-era Scottie Pippen. If Haslem could just do something about his weird, patchy beard, he’d be on some next-level shit.
Shane Battier
Battier is known as a very smart, veteran player, but I can’t stop thinking about how weirdly low his hairline is. His forehead reminds me of the weird engineers I knew in school, who had curly brown hair that went down to their furrowed brows and rode mountain bikes. Most people with his hairline choose amateur sports, with many of the more successful low-hairlined engineers having wrestled in Kansas or Iowa.
Mike Miller
This was actually the point of the whole post here. Miller’s hair is the best in basketball—maybe sports—approaching 1990s Colombian soccer team levels of quality and braggadocio. He spent the better part of his Wizards tenure in barrettes, and though it might piss off some fellow hair critics, I contend a ponytailed Miller looks like a young David Foster Wallace. Alas, Miller’s shot has struggled, and he has cut it short—well, short compared to this—and now looks like Dane Cook. If he were starting for a team, he’d be able to go wild, maybe adopt a crimped Chelsea by now; as a bench shooter, he doesn’t have that luxury.