How to Dress for the Apocalypse

Whether or not you choose to go along with it, the general consensus is that 2012 will see the end of life as we know it. Yes, I know it seems inconceivable that the computer screen you’re reading this on may not even exist in under a year’s time, but it is a possibility. So what better to time to liberate all that money you’ve been hoarding for years for a final spree on some mid-to-high end fashion items? Because no combination of battered Vans and old baseball T-shirts you bought from Beyond Retro will be adequate when Satan bursts through the sky to claim your soul.

Here, from head to toe, are some of the things you’re gonna need to face the end times, should you a) somehow survive, and b) actually want to stay alive when everyone you ever knew or loved is dead and 90 percent of the world’s surface is coated in shit and lava.

HEADWEAR

Some sort of headwear is going to be a must. Think of all the shit that’s going to be falling out of the sky. And the fire. I would actually rule out woolly hats completely as the embers of burning heaven plunging towards Earth will probably turn you into a human candle. Also, with no ozone layer, ultraviolet rays are going to be less welcome than Maggie Thatcher at an IRA funeral, so I am banking on leather here, for fullest protection. I reckon a good leather skull cap, with ear flaps—you’ll need your ears—should do the trick. Nothing too warm, and none of that fur-lined

Biggles

shit either, thanks.

JACKET



You’re gonna need something super-resistant, maybe something windproof to keep the righteous winds of celestial justice at bay. Again, leather may be a good option here, but not some Neo-looking Games-Workshop-goth-from-the-future shit. Actually, leather might be too heavy. When you’re traipsing five miles to get a cup of brown water overflowing with roaches, you don’t want to be weighed down by your favorite pre-apocalypse jacket. Stone Island pretty much make clothing for the apocalypse already, so maybe one of their all-condition stifling jackets might do. Like this one, which is made out of metal.

TOP



Bit tricky, this. Anyone who’s ever read The Black Cloud by Fred Hoyle will know that when the path between the sun and the Earth’s blocked out, weather conditions go haywire, so do you dress for a nuclear winter, or an endless, volcanic summer? It’s a fashion (fission?) dilemma as old as God himself. Maybe it’s best to go style over substance. Imagine the sheer irony-boner your “Fuck The World” 2Pac shirt will arouse in any fellow survivors you find shuffling across the wastes should it and you survive the end of mankind. Saying that, if you do own such a lame shirt, you will probably already be dead, because you sat in front of your TV watching yourself die on BBC News 24 and then “liked” it on Facebook. Fuck it: let’s just go with something that stands up to the outdoors and that your body can breathe in, Aran wool and flannel. It might be out of season, but in an apocalypse situation there aren’t likely to be any seasons.

LEGS

Again, the temptation to wear your favorite jeans will be great—I bet there aren’t many inanimate items of clothing you feel such a sense of camaraderie with, right?  However, cotton isn’t really any kind of material to wear while attempting to win a staring competition with oblivion. I’d suggest outdoor, waterproof trousers, perhaps the North Face ones above. They’re light, and you’re gonna need as much agility as you can get to evade the unscrupulous bandits who will be roaming the Earth’s surface looking to rob your last few, nutritious slabs of eviscerated human flesh.

FOOTWEAR

Louboutins, no; Vans, no. You need something way more substantial to trawl through the spume of liquefied bodies—like these super-expensive Salomon Cosmic 4D GTX hiking boots. If you can’t afford them, the apocalypse handily falls just before Xmas, so insist on receiving your gifts on or before the 20th of December. Again, your Gore-Tex may attract some unnecessary heat from marauders, so maybe tape them up with black duct tape or something, and in that state you might even look enough like a mentally ill vagrant for the mercenaries to have mercy upon your soul and share the Pepperami they found hanging out of some half-eaten dead guy’s mouth. What’s that, vegan? Well, this is the fucking apocalypse, it is going to be pure hell, and you have about 11 months to grow some balls. You too, ladies. Shouldn’t be too hard given the amount of radiation pouring through that bit of space where the ozone layer used to be.

ACCESSORIES



You might want to arm yourself with some goggles or, at worst, some hefty shades. Gas masks might be mandatory, but perhaps a dust mask will suffice. Is weaponry an accessory? An accessory to murder, yes, but hey, you may need it. I would go for a big fucking knife or maybe an axe. Maybe a sword would be cool. You’ve seen Kill Bill and listened to plenty of pre-2012 Wu-Tang, right? So your swordsmanship should be somewhat OK for a novice. Don’t be afraid of what people think when they see you pretending to spear zombies in the local park, you can always claim to be cosplaying or something. Wait, are cosplayers really people who have been secretly bracing themselves for the end of days all along? I knew there must have been an ulterior motive for being that lame.

For more fashion, go see our friends at VICE Style.