When you feel like there’s no one else you can talk to and you’re not really into getting a therapist, go get yourself a fat person and give them a “face full of verbal” as Steve Jones once said. Chubbies don’t really get to talk to people that much and if you feed them enough they’ll listen to your problems forever.
ASIAN AIR FRESHENER
Ever notice that you can’t find deodorant in China? That’s because they never get BO. You can be a big jealous baby about it or you can embrace their flawless body scent and let it fill up your car.
VIRGIN HAIR FERTILIZER
Ever notice how virgins are almost never bald? Well, scientists certainly did.
CLEAN 'N GENTLE BLOOD STAIN REMOVER
If you go back to a guy’s house and you find this in his medicine cabinet make sure you get back into that bedroom as fast as you can and insist he make love to you. Murderers are hot.
Thanks Vicky from Queens
After the horrible controversy surrounding Darkie Toothpaste, the company is finally swinging the pendulum the other way. White men aren’t exactly renowned for having white teeth but, as Toby would say, EVS.
We know you think your shit don’t stink but you can’t be sure until you clean it with dudu soap. It gets out those deep, brown shit stains that shit holds on to like its life depended on it.
Thanks Chris Collicott
If you’re going to do it with one of those extra-libidinous drug dealers from Bushwick make sure you get a pack of these. They’re chocolate, extra-lubed, and twice as thick so he can still tear you a new asshole without giving you AIDS.
Thanks Andrew Walker of Glenburne, Ontario
No, this is not a joke.
Thanks Mario Brancaglioni of Götborg, Sweden
We found this while getting wasted in Central America recently and couldn’t believe how perfect it is for riffing. It says “Funny” on it and makes sparkly sounds every time you point it at someone. It’s so perfect for getting high it kind of makes you worried that the toy manufacturers down there are all potheads.
Lust Project in Paris makes this bed set that looks like a face and it’s great for making your neighbors feel shitty about all the lame Bed Bath & Beyond shit back at their place.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org for more
GAY POCKET SOLITAIRE
The only difference between this and straight pocket solitaire is you fantasize about other guys’ bodies when you fondle yourself.
Have you ever met anyone that worked in an ER? Gays get the weirdest shit stuck up their asses: Coke bottles, light bulbs, vases… it costs the city millions of dollars in WTF!? fees every year. Luckily the Germans have started this huge campaign to try to get them to cram less harmful stuff up there, like balloons shaped like cum stains.
There’s nothing like settling down by yourself on a Friday night with some ice cream, a huge pile of pornos, and a fresh pot of horny man’s tea. I wouldn’t want to be your dick the next morning, but that night, in the heat of the wank, it’s paradise.
In an era where food companies are always bullshitting about the quality of their product it’s nice to see someone finally admit that the shit they put in there is fucking disgusting.
This month’s winner is Face Bed as it is the only real one we got. Coming next month: More things we actually like.