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What Part Of Your Body Would You Make Bionic?

Incredibly, no one said penis.
Wendy Syfret
Κείμενο Wendy Syfret

We’re living in the Golden Age of bionic body parts. Ear not working? Bam, bionic ear. Joints all fucked up? We’ll just engineer you some new ones. Pretty soon we won’t be burdened with the atrophying flesh anchors we call body parts, we’ll just trade up for shiny new machine ones.

To prepare for half-robot members of the human race conquering and ultimately enslaving the rest of us, we asked some old fashioned humans what part of their body they would lop off and replace first. Just to get an idea of what sort of cyborgs we might be up against in the bionic future.


VICE: What part of your body would you make bionic?
Harvey, builds stage rigs: Brain I think. That’s a good one, why a bionic brain?
With the brain, if it was bionic, you could do all sorts of awesome shit, because the brain controls the rest of the body. Do you have any specific “awesome shit” you would like to do with your bionic brain?
I don’t know, like going into a hive mind or something. Be able to download information to your brain instantly. I don’t think that’s what a hive mind is.
Yeah I don’t know. But you could probably go into virtual reality where all your other limbs we bionic. That’s actually pretty smart.
Yeah, with your mind there are infinite possibilities of what you can do if your brain is bionic. With your arm all you can do is punch, with your dick, sure you can do cool things, but with your mind you can do it all in a virtual realm. There is much more expansion.

Olivia, student: Bionic tits. Really? I would think the nice part about tits is they aren’t bionic.
Well who doesn’t like tits, and who doesn’t like bionic stuff? They do go together. Could your tits do anything special if they were bionic?
Yeah, like you know in Austin Powers when she shoots bullets and stuff from her tits? That could be interesting. And it would be a form of self defense as well as being sexy.
Yes, perfect!

Peta, graphic design student: Probably my left arm. Specifically your left arm?
Yeah, then I could use it to do extra graphic design and get twice as much work done. I’m not that good with my left arm. Would it be extra fast at the work? Or be especially good at it?
No it would just be able to draw like my right arm. At the moment I can’t really draw at all with it. So your bionic gift would be bringing your left arm up to average so you could get more work done?
Yes. That’s a nice realistic goal, and pretty responsible.
Well that’s all I’d really use it for.


Ky, artist: Probably my arms. For art reasons?
Yeah, and you know it’s just easier. They’re a pretty versatile part of your body. Are there things you wish you could do now that your fleshy arms are holding you back from?
No not really. It would just be a lot handier if they were bionic. For practical reasons, day-to-day life things would be less of a bother with bionic arms.

Brock, plumbers apprentice: Bionic. What does that mean?

Like, robotic.
Probably, I don’t know. What do you think? I have my own ideas, I want to know yours. Maybe think of it like you could have one part of your body be super human.
My head so I’d be a genius. That’s a good answer.

t Jay, student: I’d have a bionic arm. What would you do with your bionic arm?
Throw. Throw what?
Just having super strength you know? Like being able to pick up cars and throw them. Throw them at Brock. Would you use your throwing ability for good? Like become an athlete, or just throw heavy shit around?
Yeah I dunno, just super strength. Chucking stuff. So you’d just have one epic arm?
Oh no two arms. Two bionic arms.

Previously - Could a Talking Dog be President?