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Republicantics - Santorum's Guide to Sex

While women impregnated by rapists will be forcibly required to bear their rapist's offspring, they will also be rewarded with a lifetime of free waffle fries at Chick-fil-A.
Κείμενο Sara Benincasa

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Whew, boy! The liberal media just can't stop kicking up a fuss over Rick Santorum's perfectly normal, mainstream views on birth control, sex, and other unforgivable sins against Baby Jesus. Witness this weekend's leftist indignation from New York Times opinion-haver Charles M. Blow, in a palpably horny column entitled "Santorum and the Sexual Revolution":

While explaining what he saw as a shift in the Democratic Party away from “blue-collar working-class folks with traditional values” Santorum said:

“What changed was the ’60s. What changed was sex. What changed was the social and cultural issues that have huge amounts of money because if you look — I haven’t seen numbers on this, but I’m sure it’s true — if you go socioeconomic scale, the higher the income, the more socially liberal you are. The more you know you can buy your way out of the problems that sexual libertinism causes you. You have an abortion, well, I have the money to take care of it. If I want to live an extravagant life and get diseases, I can. … You can always take care of everything. If you have money, you can get away with things that if you’re poor you can’t.”

Sounds pretty great to me! Of course, Blow was only quoting Santorum in a failed effort to paint the latter as a cuckoo bird instead of the brilliant American philosopher-patriot he is. Well, Charles M. Blow, do I have a wake-up call for you. Rather than simply quote from a 2008 public Q&A session like you did in your column, I'm going to unleash an until-now top secret tidal wave of truth on you, straight from future President Santorum's unreleased plan for America's future!

You see, my fellow conservatrons, not only am I a trusted journalist with impeccable ethics and integrity, I'm also something of a kingmaker among the party faithful. Like the late Ted Kennedy, except not evil, I'm an elder statesperson in my party, a voice for logic and reason. That's why so many hush-hush plans, blueprints, and outlines are funneled my way from each of the Republican presidential candidates' offices. And boy, is this week's cache a real doozy!

I'm thrilled to give the world a preview of future President Rick Santorum's Rules for Everything, a 525-point ironclad plan for ensuring America's moral health and well-being. I'm not going to tell you everything that's in it, but I can certainly assure you that the guide is comprehensive in its assessment of what is and isn't acceptable behavior in the private bedrooms of consenting American adults. Sure, it may be unpalatable to ultra-liberal communist monsters like Charles M. Blow, but most Americans are going to hear Santorum's plan and fall in love with him all over again. Here are a few of the highlights.

· Cunnilingus, anal sex, tongue-kissing, and other forms of non-procreative intimate contact will be banned. On the upside, everyone gets a hula hoop!

· All lesbians will be eligible to receive free pray-away-the-gay counseling from Dr. Marcus Bachmann, husband of Rep. Michele Bachmann. (Notes on an early draft of Santorum's Rules for Everything indicate his initial reluctance to include the relatively liberal Bachmanns in his plan, but prayer eventually showed him the way.) Just one session with the sensuous, full-lipped Dr. Bachmann is said to be powerful enough to turn even the most devout lesbians into man-lovers.

· While women impregnated by rapists will be forcibly required to bear their rapist's offspring, they will also be rewarded with a lifetime of free waffle fries at uber-Christian chain Chick-fil-A. And don't you feel left out, pregnant rape victims under the age of 13—you get all the Kid’s Meals you want!

· Anyone who calls a sexually active single woman a "slut" will be immediately ordained as a deacon in the local Catholic parish of his/her choice.

· Anyone who induces a moderate Republican to quit or retire early from any position in public or private life—or to commit suicide—is automatically awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I could tell you more, but I don't want to steal any of future President Santorum's thunder. Like everyone else, you'll have to wait with baited breath for his January 2013 inaugural speech in which he will fully describe all 525 excellent points and change America forever. Trust me when I tell you you're going to love it so much you will want to marry it and have as many of its babies as an angry/loving God will permit.

Previously - CPAC Attack!