Yesterday would have been Hitler’s 122nd birthday. In a further attempt to make fun of the Furher I flew to Nuremberg, Germany to throw him a little birthday party. I was a bit saddened by the lack of turnout.
Sixty-six years after the war ended Hitler jokes are still a tough sell in Germany. And trust me, I tried. I walked all over Nuremberg inviting complete strangers to our Hitler birthday party with nary a taker.
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I wasn’t all that surprised.
What did surprise me was how difficult it can be to buy birthday hats in Germany. I understand wanting to distance yourself from the worst dictator in history who, without a doubt, will always be the first thing anyone ever thinks of when they think of your country, and I get that it would make you both mad and uneasy when an asshole American flies in with an asshole jokey moustache making asshole Hitler jokes, but what I can’t understand is how a country can be so perma-bummed out that they don’t celebrate anyone’s birthday, Hitler’s or otherwise, with birthday hats???
I shopped for hours, HOURS, I SAID! No one sold birthday hats. I found streamers and candles and those blow things that are so fun but no hats. And the looks that I got when I asked was like I was asking the store clerks to pile their jewelry and gold fillings into a stack in the corner.
The reason I was in Germany was to film my friend Chris Pfanner for my Vans webisodes on Offthewall.tv
Chris is going pro for Anti Hero next month. Anti Hero’s initials are AH. Same for that pesky dictator. I thought it only reich to fly in to to see Pfanner on the old man’s birthday. For two months I grew this comedic moustache (my facial hair is pathetic). I had to dye it because my hair comes in blond, brown, and red. Then I had to trim it to perfection. I PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO THIS PARTY PLANNING!
Never did I think I’d be faced with the atrocity of a nation without birthday hats. Had I known I would’ve brought some from home.
I think the world as a whole is just about ready to finally forgive Germany for the awful things they did during The War (Forgive. Never forget.) but that all might change when they find out how they’re depriving young children of the joys of wearing birthday hats. Goddamn animals! It might be enough to reopen that old wound and make everyone unforgive Germany.
I thought maybe it was just me and the moustache that the stores hated, but I was wrong. Even when Pfanner asked for hats in German he was answered with looks of fear and disgust. Then again, he’s black. Maybe they’re not into Hitler or blacks. If he’d been a blond and blue-eyed black man I have to guess he would’ve gotten us some hats.
The only way we were able to attain hats was by having Chris’ girlfriend, Anja, ask her parents if perhaps there were any hats left in their secret stash. (Clearly we could not tell them what the hats were for.) Anja’s mother took her daughter into a secret room built into their attic. She made Anja swear never to tell anyone about the room (so if you see Anja’a mom, act like you don’t know anything, ‘kay?). Under an old carpet she removed a floorboard and retrieved a small wooden box. She blew the dust off the lid and opened it. Inside were the last four birthday hats in Germany. A single tear ran down Anja’s mother’s face. She pulled her daughter close and said, “I wanted to give you these on your wedding day…” She then pushed Anja away and told her to go. She needed to be alone.
Back at Chris’ apartment we waited and we drank and drank and waited. We had bought two cases of beer for the party in anticipation of all the guests who would come. Shit, I’d go to just about any kind of party if there was free beer, and yet no one came. Chris and I drank the two cases of beer alone with Anja.
A few of Chris and Anja’s friends who live next door stopped by for a drink. But they left as soon as they were told what the party was for. Tough crowd.
I can’t help but think that we would’ve gotten a better turnout had we promoted the fact that we had birthday hats.
CHRIS NIERATKO PHOTOS BY CHRISTOPH MADERER
For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com
