Travel

Meet the Nieratkos – Hitler’s Birthday Footage

Kοινοποίηση

Do you remember a couple months ago when I told you I threw Hitler a birthday party in Germany? Me neither. But I did.

4/20 is a special date for a lot of people for many different reasons. For my wife and I it’s when we learned that our first son, Christopher II, had a wiener schnitzel and was in fact a special baby boy.

Videos by VICE

She told me she was pregnant on Christmas morning, on 4/20 we learned he was a boy, and on 9/11 he was born. I’m not into Numerology but I think those dates all add up to my son being destined for greatness. Or to overthrow Poland one day.

I landed in Nuremburg on April 20th and thought it was appropriate and hilarious to throw a little birthday party in my son’s honor. And of course for that other guy too.

When I arrived in Germany many people seemed to disapprove of how big my nose is. Or perhaps it was the moustache I’d shaved down under my nose. I’m not certain. They also seemed to not like that I kept asking them, “Where is the Hitler birthday parade being held?” Especially everyone at the coliseum built by the Nazis.

I hate Hitler and his deeds as much as anyone, but I can’t help but laugh at how the mention of him or the shaving of a similar moustache gets people so riled up. It’s so easy to fuck with people; just saying, “Hitler,” stirs such emotion. Did I ever tell you about the time I almost got into a fistfight at a Christmas party in LA for having The Moustache? Some guy was mad dogging me all night. Finally I asked across the room, “Did I fuck your girlfriend or something?” He went on a five minute tirade of how fucked up I was and how he was so Jewish and his family this and Jewish that. I stood there waiting for him to end his speech. When he finished I asked, in my most childish voice, “Well if you’re so Jewish, what are you doing at a Christmas party?” He lost his shit. He stormed at me, people had to get between us, he was furious and getting angrier because I was laughing. “Let’s go outside,” he said. I agreed and walked to the door. I grabbed the handle, opened the door and said, “After you.” He walked out and in true Bugs Bunny-fashion I slammed the door after him—him in the hall, me in the apartment. And oh, how everyone laughed! He banged on the door for a bit and finally just gave up and left, defeated.

It’s been 66 years, can’t we get over it already and all agree that Hitler was the funninest looking cartoon psychopath the world has ever seen? I mean, have you ever seen what his hair does when he’d get fired up during his speeches? If you can’t laugh at Hitler, who can you laugh at?

To make the Germans love me more, I decided to give my party footage an introduction at the same place Hitler gave his speeches, including the most famous one from Triumph of the Will. (I don’t know the name of the place, I just spent 20 minutes Googling Nuremburg tourism sites but it doesn’t appear on any of them. Strange.)

One family looked on in horror as I giggled through my best Hitler impersonation. As I walked down the stairs the father asked me in all seriousness, “Should we prepare for World War III?” I told him he should always be prepared for World War III.

Throughout the day I tried inviting German skaters and random people to Pfanner’s apartment for the birthday party but none seemed willing to celebrate. Even after I told them there was free beer. Without cyanide.

I suggested to Chris that perhaps we should stop telling people it’s Hitler’s birthday party. That sort of worked. Two of his friends showed up at his apartment to party.

But when I opened the door and they saw my moustache they asked, “Who’s birthday is it?” “Hitler’s,” I smiled. They turned on their heels and goose-stepped out of there as quickly as possible.

Overall, I really enjoyed my stay in Germany. It was much better than 10 years ago when a bartender called me a “schwanz” for no reason after I ordered a beer. The only thing that bummed me out was there wasn’t one funny-bone in the entire country, other than Pfanner’s, but he’s not even German, he’s Austrian. (Guess who else was Austrian?) Germany really needs to lighten up. If we can’t laugh at the past we’re doomed to repeat it, right?

Throwing a birthday party for Hitler is funny. I know funny and that’s funny.

Here’s the party footage. I warn you, things get crazy!

Here’s the first episode of Adventures with Chris & Chris that I filmed earlier in the day, before our party:

And here’s the amazing pro intro video Anti Hero posted of Chris Pfanner:

CHRIS NIERATKO

For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com