MEET THE NIERATKOS – LESSONS TO MY SONS

Kοινοποίηση

As the due date of my second son’s birth fast approaches I find myself shitting a brick on an airplane from Germany in a panic over crashing. With my dying breath I’d like to pass on some of the knowledge I’ve learned over the years to my boys.

So, if the plane does go down and a mermaid/merman finds this laptop in the Atlantic could you please see that it gets to my wife and kids so that perhaps they can learn something from these final words?

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Dear Christopher II and Christopher III (DBA),
I love you both and am sorry I’m dead and not able to take you to school today.
I hope that what little knowledge I’ve gained in my short life that I’m about to impart helps you two on your journey through life.

—First and foremost, NEVER buy a jigsaw puzzle from a yard sale.

—If you have a pocket full of drugs you are guaranteed to get laid.

—You can trade porn for anything. When you’re 16 go into the attic and grab the case of DVDs. Ask your mom to show you where the Arab’s liquor store is that trades porn for beer.

—Not all Germans want to kill you. They just sound like they do.

—Virginia is not for lovers. It’s for rednecks.

—The Nets will always suck. Pick a different team.

—Whenever using a stripper pole, use baby powder.

—Don’t wear red in a Crips neighborhood even if it is for comedy’s sake.

—If you don’t want to starve, don’t work for Vice.

—The Grateful Dead, Phish, and all jam bands suck. Don’t let anyone try and convince you otherwise. And they will try every day if you go to college.

—Don’t go to college. There’s no money in it. Learn a trade.

—Don’t get married before 30. Learn to piss straight first.

—Don’t squat to pee.

—There’s Good-Gay and Bad-Gay. Skaters who rap are an example of Bad-Gay.

—After years of research I can say with all certainty that 9/11 was not a hoax done with a huge green screen.

—One day your mom will go insane because all mothers go insane. It’s OK. She still loves you.

—Nothing is free. Especially sex in Prague.

—Righty=tighty. Lefty=Loosey.

—You’re=you are. Your is possessive.

—Daily masturbation lowers your chance of prostate cancer.

—A glass of red wine a day also does something good but I can’t remember what.

—It’s OK if you can’t see the hockey puck; no one can. Hockey sucks.

—If she has an adam’s apple drink another beer.

—There’s a fine line between child molester van and skate-tour van. Learn the difference before getting in.

—We live in New Jersey because there’s always a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who can help you with your problem. And it’s OK to ask for help.

—Rule of thumb: girls with a glass eye are always crazy.

—When storing port wine be sure to rotate the bottle just slightly on a regular basis.

—Only assholes eat their steaks well-done.

—It’s OK to have your own opinion and call bullshit and say something sucks. Like Little Wayne.

—Get a U.S.S. New Jersey Naval hat. They possess super powers.

—For the funniest results, always teach foreign exchange students dirty words and the wrong meanings of everything.

—Big and natural tits have a shelf life. Check the expiration date.

—Anyone who tells you, “It was better back when…” has already giving up living. Tell them to go die.

Polish jokes never get old.

Your dead father,
CHRIS NIERATKO

For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com